Implicit Anger

I am mad at God.
I am mad at God when it is my own fault.
I am the only one to blame for my anger.
I know these things, yet I am still mad.

Knowingly ignoring signs He sent me due to my ignorant mind believing everything was going to work out as it imagined was simply foolishness. I tend to have a hard time comprehending when enough is actually enough. My tendencies to fight longer than necessary are instilled deep in me causing me to love the wrong things for too long. Every time something was to go wrong, I would pray that I could be able to find the strength and guidance to leave. I did not have it in me to leave on my own. I needed help from God. Being as I am, I would pray countless numbers of times and receive the same answer each time. Leave.
I could never leave. I always tried to make excuses and act as if I was doing myself justice by fighting for the love I wanted. I did not want to leave with the story I had to tell and be placed into a category of hurt, damaged women who have a hard time trusting men. I did not want to leave and feel as if I always had to keep my guard up. I did not want to leave and be asked why I flinch. I was made to feel crazy for being aware of all of these wrongs within the relationship, yet I still did not have the strength to leave. Knowingly involving myself with a counteracting source of energy that tampered with my mind just did not seem to be enough.
At this point I was already categorized as a weak woman who did not have the strength to divert her life from the path it was taking.
I continued to pray and I was even made fun of for my faith. I knew I should leave then, yet I saw that as another project area to stick around and mold. Time after time God gave me the same answer and I was too ignorant to listen. He never left my side, yet for some reason I am taking out my hurt on him. I am taking everything I feel right now and placing it on his shoulders, shaming him for allowing me to feel it. He gave me so many chances to opt out of the pain I am now struggling with–the social categories I now feel as if I fall into.
How can I continue to be mad at someone who has given me everything and stuck by my side no matter the choices I made? I continue to do it. I am angry with myself for sticking around and allowing things to happen to me that have shaped my character in ways I was not ready for. I am mad at the wrong person for what happened.

To Hate

Hate is a feeling derived from within ones mind.
No one is born knowing hate.
Hate can be overcome–it was not here from the beginning.
No emotion is instilled in us but love.
From the beginning, we are loved and taught to love in ways that may be direct or indirect.

Even when you tell yourself you are done loving someone, that feeling is still there.
You wake up in the morning and feel empty without them.
Their presence is what completed you and made you able to love.

Seeing them makes you want to keep loving them.
It makes you want to melt and allow all of the strength you built in order to block them out of your life to dissipate.
You begin to wonder how they cannot still love you as you do them.
It was a two sided commitment that you are now trying to fight against.

Love should not be selfish.
Hate is selfish and controlling.

Seeing you and immediately feeling comfort and pain simultaneously is not love.
Whatever it was that you showed me and allowed me to feel was not love.
Love is not possessive.
It does not shame and punish.
The love I used to receive from you turned into dependency.
Even if I ever wanted to leave, I was not allowed.
You drove me to be dependent on you.
You masked your true self and allowed me to deal with your inner brute.

Then, you wake up one day and realize you are not missing them, but the memories they provided you.
The ways in which they caused you to suffer dominate the ways they brought you happiness.
You wake up and realize you do not miss them.
You are happy without them.
They did not complete you in any way.
Any time you begin to think of them, you hope they have noticed how much stronger you are without them.
They are nothing without you to hold them up.

 

Love Yourself

I reminisce on all of my poor decisions and wonder why I did not fall in love with myself long ago.
No man has ever been able to fill the void within me.
Only I am able to consult my inner demons and mold my insecurities into self-love that radiates to those around me.
I strive to be confident in myself–so no one will be able to knock me off the pedestal I build.
I do not ever want to feel as if I need someone to be happy. I will no longer depend on anyone.
There are so many opportunities in life that should not be missed out on due to dependency on a weak man.

Un-break Me

I am not perfect, but I do know my worth. I know that I, along with any other woman, deserves respect from a man. I am also aware of the fact that some people do not deserve second chances. My heart is so forgiving, but that is not a flaw of mine. I see the good in everyone and would give anyone a second chance if they showed self improvement. I gave someone I love a second chance and it broke me.

At first, things seemed different. The amount of respect I received seemed to be at an all-time high. Things changed slowly and the level of respect being given to me dwindled down to none. Once again, everything that happened somehow became my fault and it fell into my hands to fix and feel sorry for his mishaps.

Only a narcissistic person can turn everything on you when they are the source of the problem. Falling in love with a narcissist is falling in love with a monster. They are not capable of loving anyone but themselves. Whatever they deem to be love, is only selfishness.

He hurt me in ways I can not come to explain. I should have left long before I did. The first time a man ever puts his hands on you, leave and be done. It is never your fault and you do not have to make excuses for his actions. He is not a true man if he can stoop so low as to harming or having intentions to harm you. The narcissistic side of his abuse will cause him to believe that it is your fault that he ever had to lay his hands on you. He will see nothing wrong with what he did, because in his head it was not played out that way. To him, you did something to deserve that.

As I said, I am forgiving. Often too forgiving. No matter the circumstances, I look for a positive reason as to why someone did what they did. I should have not given him a second chance. He did not change, and I did not learn my lesson the first time around.

It is hard for me to even want the best for him because he never gave that to me. He truly is a monster and everyone should know. He does such a fine job of hiding his inner demons that he fools everyone, even me at times. But not this time.

I am terrified of him now. Things he did before scared me, but I have never been more terrified to end up in your presence again and have to face you. You are a monster. You hurt me so badly. It will be a long time before there is ever room for forgiveness in my heart for you and your actions.

He took advantage of my good qualities. He turned my forgiveness into weakness and manipulated me for it. I let him back in my life all of those times because my love was unconditional–it could not be moved. He has lost it and I am sorry for him. No one else ever knew him as I did and if they did, they would run.

I hope you are able to love yourself one day so you can learn to respect others. I hope you realize how much I put up with and how I tried to stay to better you as a person. I am already working on myself. I do not need another project and that is what you were. I hope you know how much you hurt me and how hard it is for me to make it through the day. I hope you are happy with all that you have done.

 

Self-Image

Society is so fixated around ones appearance. Feeling as if you have to look your best and conform to others around you is something I believe many people struggle with.
For me, the way I feel about myself comes from the energy of those surrounding me. I had a not so good time this past year with how I felt about myself. A lot of personal issues arose that should have been addressed long ago, but got pushed aside.

The hardest part about working on yourself is knowing where to begin. Trusting that people actually mean what they say and are not out to get you is something that takes a long time to register. Recognizing that someone is genuine and not lying to you can be hard when all you have faced in the past was disappointment after disappointment.

Loving yourself is hard when you do not recognize all that you have to offer to the world. The way you have been stereotyped and perceived affects your daily life. Breaking out of your shell can be more difficult than it seems.

Loving yourself is the first step. Knowing your worth and realizing all of the good that you do, breaking down all of your beneficial qualities are some of the first steps to seeing yourself for who you are.

The media tries to portray an image of perfect that no individual can achieve. Perfection does not come from what you wear or how well you dress. It comes from how well you love others and what you are willing to do for them. Love yourself so you can love others.

Women in the Media

Nowadays, it is thought to be normal and attractive for women to have bodily parts strewn about and displayed in a sexual manner. Forty years ago, that would not have been acceptable. Low cut tops and the sexual appeal women’s bodies posed began to be seen as a breakthrough in society with the third-wave of feminism. In the early 1990s the promiscuous persona of a woman began to influence the media in new ways. Now, many advertisements are entirely dependent on women and their aesthetic appeal.

Women can now be seen on the cover of almost every ad posing to invoke sexual appeal. Women who model for clothing companies often look as if they are merely composed of skin and bones. If they do not meet the image guidelines that are proposed to them as “perfection”, they will not hold the modeling position. The culture today is too fixated around the appearance of a woman and her sexual appeal rather than her inner beauty.

With the third-wave of feminism, women presented their bodies in a different manner simply to make a statement. They wanted to prove that they too could wear clothing that categorized them as something more than a housewife. As they gained more control for themselves, they were then able to make their own choices as to what they would wear for the day. They were able to express themselves in new ways.

Now, when a woman wears something showing skin she is assumed to be doing it for the wrong reasons. Not all women are seeking sexual attention. Some simply do not care about the fact that they do have breasts that grow without their consent–so they chose to embrace their body and allow their figure to speak for itself. The magazine articles and grungy commercials all degrade women in ways that only media is able to. They popularize the sexual appeal of a woman instead of focusing on the natural beauty she possesses.