Stage Two

The worst part about losing you is how my heart is now annihilated and I have no one who understands what I am feeling. You were a part of me. You were my person and now I feel so alone. No matter the circumstances, you were always there to talk if I needed you.
I am going back and forth between hating you and missing you. I know I need to obliterate your existence in my mind in order to function normally again..
This is the hardest part of losing someone–trying to not forgive them for all they have done.

You Show No Love

While you are out at night, I am at home rotting in my thoughts. You are out doing as you wish and I sit here thinking about you. I think about how I will get through this hard time you have brought upon me.

You still have friends who think you are an amazing person. You do not deserve that. People like you do not deserve anything nice in life. I hope all that you have done catches up to you and brings nothing positive along with it. You do not deserve to be happy as you are now and you certainly do not deserve me.

You can not hide the person you are forever. One day everyone will know.

It may be better to hate you right now so I will not feel inclined to forgive you. You are not my project anymore. You are not my obligation. I do not owe you anything.

Un-break Me

I am not perfect, but I do know my worth. I know that I, along with any other woman, deserves respect from a man. I am also aware of the fact that some people do not deserve second chances. My heart is so forgiving, but that is not a flaw of mine. I see the good in everyone and would give anyone a second chance if they showed self improvement. I gave someone I love a second chance and it broke me.

At first, things seemed different. The amount of respect I received seemed to be at an all-time high. Things changed slowly and the level of respect being given to me dwindled down to none. Once again, everything that happened somehow became my fault and it fell into my hands to fix and feel sorry for his mishaps.

Only a narcissistic person can turn everything on you when they are the source of the problem. Falling in love with a narcissist is falling in love with a monster. They are not capable of loving anyone but themselves. Whatever they deem to be love, is only selfishness.

He hurt me in ways I can not come to explain. I should have left long before I did. The first time a man ever puts his hands on you, leave and be done. It is never your fault and you do not have to make excuses for his actions. He is not a true man if he can stoop so low as to harming or having intentions to harm you. The narcissistic side of his abuse will cause him to believe that it is your fault that he ever had to lay his hands on you. He will see nothing wrong with what he did, because in his head it was not played out that way. To him, you did something to deserve that.

As I said, I am forgiving. Often too forgiving. No matter the circumstances, I look for a positive reason as to why someone did what they did. I should have not given him a second chance. He did not change, and I did not learn my lesson the first time around.

It is hard for me to even want the best for him because he never gave that to me. He truly is a monster and everyone should know. He does such a fine job of hiding his inner demons that he fools everyone, even me at times. But not this time.

I am terrified of him now. Things he did before scared me, but I have never been more terrified to end up in your presence again and have to face you. You are a monster. You hurt me so badly. It will be a long time before there is ever room for forgiveness in my heart for you and your actions.

He took advantage of my good qualities. He turned my forgiveness into weakness and manipulated me for it. I let him back in my life all of those times because my love was unconditional–it could not be moved. He has lost it and I am sorry for him. No one else ever knew him as I did and if they did, they would run.

I hope you are able to love yourself one day so you can learn to respect others. I hope you realize how much I put up with and how I tried to stay to better you as a person. I am already working on myself. I do not need another project and that is what you were. I hope you know how much you hurt me and how hard it is for me to make it through the day. I hope you are happy with all that you have done.


The Three C’s of Christianity

This is entirely my opinion. After struggling with this for years, I thought I would share what I have learned and still wish to learn.

Remaining faithful and fully committed to Christ in all points of your life can be difficult. Everyone gets busy, and the reality of life takes ahold of us. As much as we would all like to feel constantly reassured that Christ is watching over us and providing for us, I believe we all fall short and second guess our faith from time to time. Maintaining a steady love relationship with Christ is the most important thing one could do, and also the hardest. There are many stages involved in being a fully committed follower. None of which are more important than the other.
Christians often get categorized as good or bad. I do not believe someone could be a “bad” Christian. Everyone makes mistakes, and as long as you learn from them so you are able to make a better choice next time, you are continuously growing. Some people declare themselves to be a Christian, but are still confused about what they need to do to be fully committed to Jesus. One can be confused and still be a Christian. They may have questions that lead them astray from fully committing to Christ, but still believe. Having questions and showing interest to learn is one of the first steps in becoming committed to Christ. Every Christian is still confused about some things. There is so much to grasp, that sometimes it is easier to focus on what you already know rather than expanding your mind with new thoughts and information.
While some are confused, others are convinced. They find it easy to comply and understand the faith, but are not fully committed and ready to dedicate their life to Christ. One who is convinced believes but still struggles to maintain their faith during every point in life. I am one who is convinced. Every day is still a struggle to become closer with God. Waking up in the mornings and saying a prayer should be the first thing on my mind, but I am distracted by earthly things–such as a phone. Being convinced leaves room for you to grow in your relationship with Jesus and work on ways you can share his love. That is without a doubt the point I am at. I know that I want to be committed, but I am still working on how to be. It seems as if there is not enough time in a day to accomplish everything I wish to. Things like work, school, maintaining my social life, and driving to and from all take away from the time I could be spending submerged in a Bible study. Balancing my time has proven to be my main issue with being committed.
If I was to be committed, I would be satisfied in all that I do. I am still very insecure in my decisions a lot of times. I feel as if I need someone to back me up on what I believe. A committed Christian may second guess some things, but at the end of the day every decision they make is made to better their relationship with Christ. There will be no abatement in a committed followers interest to grow and learn each day. I believe that to be committed, is to be at peace with yourself and others.