Stage Two

The worst part about losing you is how my heart is now annihilated and I have no one who understands what I am feeling. You were a part of me. You were my person and now I feel so alone. No matter the circumstances, you were always there to talk if I needed you.
I am going back and forth between hating you and missing you. I know I need to obliterate your existence in my mind in order to function normally again..
This is the hardest part of losing someone–trying to not forgive them for all they have done.

Build me up just to break me down.

No matter how devoted and faithful I was, that was never enough for you. The pain of this does not even derive from your absence. This pain has occurred from the humiliation and destruction of my dignity that you have caused. You are the source of this. You had someone who was yours in front of your face and you allowed that to only mean as much to you as every other insignificant presence you allowed to come between us.
Your narcissistic ego granted our fate to become this reality.
The loving side of me wants to forgive you for all that you have done, but there is not room in my heart to forgive you anymore. You have caused me to succumb to my pain and lose sight of who I really am.
As much as I hate it, now I feed off of knowing that I am much better without you.
Before there was ever an “us” there was a me. I am better without you. You are not my life–you do not complete me. Training my mind to capitulate and see you for who you truly are has been one of my greatest struggles. I was infatuated with you for so long, I lost sight of your true qualities. My day is now a fraction easier knowing that you will not last. By that, I mean this is your peak in life. You are fooling everyone daily. You are not the kindhearted person you allow yourself to be perceived as. Behind closed doors you reveal your true self to those that you love. But, you can not genuinely love us. You do not destroy and degrade those you love.
You are not able to own up to any of your mistakes. You make those surrounding you feel and seem crazy for realizing the truth. You never admitted to anything you did to me and you ensure that everyone should believe the lies you tell. You must feel guilt inside for your mistakes. You allow others to take the blame and face the repercussions of everything you cause.
Your heart is not in the right place and you do nothing to fix it. The time you are enjoying now is a mere part of life that will be forgotten by most when the time to settle down with one they love comes. You may be happy with yourself now, but this is the end of your satisfaction with life. You will suffer later. People will look at you and wonder why you are alone. You may fool them temporarily, but they will be older then. Their minds will have aged and grown. Your childish, foolish ways of living that will not cease will be close to the surface, and take over.
Later in life you will not be able to fool people. They will be wiser and see right through you as I can now. I do not wish for you to have a terrible life, I just wish that you would get what you deserve.
The storm you have caused me will pass. But the storm that resides within you will never fully calm. You are an unhappy, sick person. Sick in ways I have not witnessed before. Instead of seeking help, you choose to reside in the minds of others and corrupt them into believing that you are a decent human being. Allow them to grow and they will see the real you. You are a monster and do not deserve the nice things you have now, as you have taken so much from me and everyone else. You have allowed me to fall into categories and stereotypes that do not fit my character. I am not a pushover like your wife will one day be. If anyone is able to make excuses for your poor behavior that destroys them through and through, they are weak. Weak people obtain weak minds. You will never have anything nice and if you do, you do not deserve it.

Gone

You have changed so much.
I pray that you will become a better person.
Better to your standards.
But in order for any change to be made, you first have to realize that there is an underlying problem within you.
That problem has always been there.
You dismiss it and label it as something other than what it is when it reveals itself, but that does not cure your sickness.
You have something missing that causes your heart to lie in the wrong place.
Your heart is not pure.
Working to better yourself is a top priority of yours.
Or so you say it is.
If that was the case, you would have good intentions in all that you do.
You have changed so much.
You used to love so purely.
Your love is now toxic and deteriorating.
The rational, caring credibility you established for yourself is gone.
You hurt others and end up hurting yourself.
No one will wait around for you to change.
You are no ones project.
No one sets out on a hunt for a hurt man earning to craft them into a true one.
You hurt those that you love and you do not deserve love to be reciprocated.
How could you expect more than you are willing to give?
You always want more.
What you have is never enough.
I pray that you will become a better person.

Love Yourself

I reminisce on all of my poor decisions and wonder why I did not fall in love with myself long ago.
No man has ever been able to fill the void within me.
Only I am able to consult my inner demons and mold my insecurities into self-love that radiates to those around me.
I strive to be confident in myself–so no one will be able to knock me off the pedestal I build.
I do not ever want to feel as if I need someone to be happy. I will no longer depend on anyone.
There are so many opportunities in life that should not be missed out on due to dependency on a weak man.

Un-break Me

I am not perfect, but I do know my worth. I know that I, along with any other woman, deserves respect from a man. I am also aware of the fact that some people do not deserve second chances. My heart is so forgiving, but that is not a flaw of mine. I see the good in everyone and would give anyone a second chance if they showed self improvement. I gave someone I love a second chance and it broke me.

At first, things seemed different. The amount of respect I received seemed to be at an all-time high. Things changed slowly and the level of respect being given to me dwindled down to none. Once again, everything that happened somehow became my fault and it fell into my hands to fix and feel sorry for his mishaps.

Only a narcissistic person can turn everything on you when they are the source of the problem. Falling in love with a narcissist is falling in love with a monster. They are not capable of loving anyone but themselves. Whatever they deem to be love, is only selfishness.

He hurt me in ways I can not come to explain. I should have left long before I did. The first time a man ever puts his hands on you, leave and be done. It is never your fault and you do not have to make excuses for his actions. He is not a true man if he can stoop so low as to harming or having intentions to harm you. The narcissistic side of his abuse will cause him to believe that it is your fault that he ever had to lay his hands on you. He will see nothing wrong with what he did, because in his head it was not played out that way. To him, you did something to deserve that.

As I said, I am forgiving. Often too forgiving. No matter the circumstances, I look for a positive reason as to why someone did what they did. I should have not given him a second chance. He did not change, and I did not learn my lesson the first time around.

It is hard for me to even want the best for him because he never gave that to me. He truly is a monster and everyone should know. He does such a fine job of hiding his inner demons that he fools everyone, even me at times. But not this time.

I am terrified of him now. Things he did before scared me, but I have never been more terrified to end up in your presence again and have to face you. You are a monster. You hurt me so badly. It will be a long time before there is ever room for forgiveness in my heart for you and your actions.

He took advantage of my good qualities. He turned my forgiveness into weakness and manipulated me for it. I let him back in my life all of those times because my love was unconditional–it could not be moved. He has lost it and I am sorry for him. No one else ever knew him as I did and if they did, they would run.

I hope you are able to love yourself one day so you can learn to respect others. I hope you realize how much I put up with and how I tried to stay to better you as a person. I am already working on myself. I do not need another project and that is what you were. I hope you know how much you hurt me and how hard it is for me to make it through the day. I hope you are happy with all that you have done.

 

The Three C’s of Christianity

This is entirely my opinion. After struggling with this for years, I thought I would share what I have learned and still wish to learn.

Remaining faithful and fully committed to Christ in all points of your life can be difficult. Everyone gets busy, and the reality of life takes ahold of us. As much as we would all like to feel constantly reassured that Christ is watching over us and providing for us, I believe we all fall short and second guess our faith from time to time. Maintaining a steady love relationship with Christ is the most important thing one could do, and also the hardest. There are many stages involved in being a fully committed follower. None of which are more important than the other.
Christians often get categorized as good or bad. I do not believe someone could be a “bad” Christian. Everyone makes mistakes, and as long as you learn from them so you are able to make a better choice next time, you are continuously growing. Some people declare themselves to be a Christian, but are still confused about what they need to do to be fully committed to Jesus. One can be confused and still be a Christian. They may have questions that lead them astray from fully committing to Christ, but still believe. Having questions and showing interest to learn is one of the first steps in becoming committed to Christ. Every Christian is still confused about some things. There is so much to grasp, that sometimes it is easier to focus on what you already know rather than expanding your mind with new thoughts and information.
While some are confused, others are convinced. They find it easy to comply and understand the faith, but are not fully committed and ready to dedicate their life to Christ. One who is convinced believes but still struggles to maintain their faith during every point in life. I am one who is convinced. Every day is still a struggle to become closer with God. Waking up in the mornings and saying a prayer should be the first thing on my mind, but I am distracted by earthly things–such as a phone. Being convinced leaves room for you to grow in your relationship with Jesus and work on ways you can share his love. That is without a doubt the point I am at. I know that I want to be committed, but I am still working on how to be. It seems as if there is not enough time in a day to accomplish everything I wish to. Things like work, school, maintaining my social life, and driving to and from all take away from the time I could be spending submerged in a Bible study. Balancing my time has proven to be my main issue with being committed.
If I was to be committed, I would be satisfied in all that I do. I am still very insecure in my decisions a lot of times. I feel as if I need someone to back me up on what I believe. A committed Christian may second guess some things, but at the end of the day every decision they make is made to better their relationship with Christ. There will be no abatement in a committed followers interest to grow and learn each day. I believe that to be committed, is to be at peace with yourself and others.