Metamorphosis

As one would awake from a deep sleep–dazed and confused, my mind tends to wander with no apparent destination like one who has been revived. It wanders in search of affirmation and explanation as to why I am misunderstood. The metamorphosis that has taken place in my life goes unnoticed. With all that is heavy on my mind and heart, I am still able to keep my mind in the right place. It seems as if my efforts have been nullified, rendered useless. How can one who should be closest to you be the furthest away when it comes to psychological connections? They are not able to see the underlying intentions in your actions. They do not see how you have grown.

You Hurt

I am no longer in your grasp for you to claim that you love me.
I no longer have to conform to your behavior and destructive mannerisms.
I am no longer a possession of yours to be used then tossed out.

Your hysterical mind has always tried to dominate situations.
Control is all you know.
Our love consisted of me being at fault for your actions.
I am a victim of you.
Your way of loving reconciled the fate of destruction.

Now you fake your life.
I live around you and all you do.
Everything I do even now, is because of you.
When I am not able to be myself, it is because of you.
The measures I now have to strive to take just to avoid you are draining me of my happiness.

But you are still living.
The damage you have caused does not affect you.
You are not cognizant of how you treat others.

When you told me my soul was pure, that meant nothing.
How can you ever speak of my kind heart then take it from me?
The pureness once instilled has been obliterated by your destructiveness.
I allowed you to be my all and you took that away from me.

Now you only live a lie.
You live to fool others while satisfying yourself.
You live to hurt because that is all you know.

Your heart is not pure so you draw all of the genuine qualities and strength from others.
You feed off of our love for you.

Learn to satisfy yourself in ways that better you.
Taking from others only causes you to hurt eventually.
I wish that you feel pain in ways worse than you have ever brought upon me or anyone else.
I hope you are never lucky enough to receive love from a pure forgiving heart.

Gone

You have changed so much.
I pray that you will become a better person.
Better to your standards.
But in order for any change to be made, you first have to realize that there is an underlying problem within you.
That problem has always been there.
You dismiss it and label it as something other than what it is when it reveals itself, but that does not cure your sickness.
You have something missing that causes your heart to lie in the wrong place.
Your heart is not pure.
Working to better yourself is a top priority of yours.
Or so you say it is.
If that was the case, you would have good intentions in all that you do.
You have changed so much.
You used to love so purely.
Your love is now toxic and deteriorating.
The rational, caring credibility you established for yourself is gone.
You hurt others and end up hurting yourself.
No one will wait around for you to change.
You are no ones project.
No one sets out on a hunt for a hurt man earning to craft them into a true one.
You hurt those that you love and you do not deserve love to be reciprocated.
How could you expect more than you are willing to give?
You always want more.
What you have is never enough.
I pray that you will become a better person.

My Public Diary

Where would I be without this blog? Probably somewhere curled up in a dark hole.
Blogging is my therapy. I am able to express myself through writing better than verbal conversations. Writing has been my saving grace. Besides investing myself in God and daily devotions, this is my way to vent all of my built-up thoughts that occupy my mind.

This blog is my public diary and I thank everyone who leaves positive comments. I never feel as if I am being judged by my readers for anything I post.

You Show No Love

While you are out at night, I am at home rotting in my thoughts. You are out doing as you wish and I sit here thinking about you. I think about how I will get through this hard time you have brought upon me.

You still have friends who think you are an amazing person. You do not deserve that. People like you do not deserve anything nice in life. I hope all that you have done catches up to you and brings nothing positive along with it. You do not deserve to be happy as you are now and you certainly do not deserve me.

You can not hide the person you are forever. One day everyone will know.

It may be better to hate you right now so I will not feel inclined to forgive you. You are not my project anymore. You are not my obligation. I do not owe you anything.

The Education System

From the time I began school up until now when I am about to begin my postsecondary education, testing and unreasonable expectations are all that have been placed in front of me. Students are expected to have their life together and know if they would rather be a surgeon or social worker by the time they can walk–slight over exaggeration, but the concept remains the same. Young students face more hardships and stress through the education system than is necessary. The burden of standardized testing is placed on students from a young age and sticks with them through out their life. Test scores begin to represent who they are, and all that they know. From the education system basing students knowledge off test scores, many are being sold short of the knowledge and skills they actually obtain.

Students take an average of twenty standardized tests annually. The time it takes them to prepare for and take the test could be used to teach skills that would further ready them for real life situations. Persistent testing is draining and discouraging. If the time spend on tests was used to further educate students, their future test scores could be higher.

Just because one does not score well on a state administered exam, does not mean they are not worthy of a good college education. The dependency on testing to rank ones knowledge level should be diminished. Real life situations such as interviews and on site job training should be available for students to use to prove that they are intelligent and well informed in certain areas.

Women in the Media

Nowadays, it is thought to be normal and attractive for women to have bodily parts strewn about and displayed in a sexual manner. Forty years ago, that would not have been acceptable. Low cut tops and the sexual appeal women’s bodies posed began to be seen as a breakthrough in society with the third-wave of feminism. In the early 1990s the promiscuous persona of a woman began to influence the media in new ways. Now, many advertisements are entirely dependent on women and their aesthetic appeal.

Women can now be seen on the cover of almost every ad posing to invoke sexual appeal. Women who model for clothing companies often look as if they are merely composed of skin and bones. If they do not meet the image guidelines that are proposed to them as “perfection”, they will not hold the modeling position. The culture today is too fixated around the appearance of a woman and her sexual appeal rather than her inner beauty.

With the third-wave of feminism, women presented their bodies in a different manner simply to make a statement. They wanted to prove that they too could wear clothing that categorized them as something more than a housewife. As they gained more control for themselves, they were then able to make their own choices as to what they would wear for the day. They were able to express themselves in new ways.

Now, when a woman wears something showing skin she is assumed to be doing it for the wrong reasons. Not all women are seeking sexual attention. Some simply do not care about the fact that they do have breasts that grow without their consent–so they chose to embrace their body and allow their figure to speak for itself. The magazine articles and grungy commercials all degrade women in ways that only media is able to. They popularize the sexual appeal of a woman instead of focusing on the natural beauty she possesses.

The Deteriorating English Language

I will never understand why some people feel the need to include the preposition “at” after asking about someone’s whereabouts. If you ask where they are, is that not sufficient? Adding a preposition to the end of the statement or question only makes it a more lengthy response. Simply asking where someone is should get the point across. Adding the extra, unnecessary word “at” after posing a query about the location of one does nothing to further clarify what is being questioned.

Not Enough

Having someone you love and attempt to do everything for tell you they were miserable when they were with you hurts. You put the blame on yourself for them feeling as if they were being held back.
Knowing that you were never what they wanted and they settled for you hurts..
Knowing that they do not care that things they do upset you, when all you do is try to please them hurts. Loving them hurts.
Constantly feeling like you can not breathe or get a grasp on reality due to the pain and confusion you feel from their absence kills you.
Trying, and trying to prove your love for them even when you have shown it time after time..
Sitting, wondering why you continue to love someone who does not seem to appreciate all of the ways you show it.
Not knowing what you two are..hoping he will want you back..but realistically thinking about how he has already been with, and found others that are his type since you.
You were just a phase for him.
He loved you, probably still loves you, but he does not understand you. You are looking for love from someone who is incapable of giving it to you.

Quiet

I don’t try to frustrate you.. When you ask me to explain how I am feeling, my thoughts cannot turn into words. The underlying thought that lives in my mind tells me I am not good enough for you. The way I feel, the things I want to explain, the reasoning behind all of my thoughts give me more reason to remain quiet.
I know how mad it makes you.
I want to confess how jealous I am of anyone who is around you when I am not, anyone who has been with you before me, anyone who ever got to experience you in a different way, anyone who caught your attention more so than I, and anyone you ever loved. I see how people are attracted to you. You are such a free spirit who cares for everyone. You go out of your way to make one happy.
Knowing that you were with them and you enjoyed it kills me.
I know how long I couldn’t sleep–or cried myself to sleep–how long I let the thoughts of you linger in my mind..
Your love was gone and I was so incomplete. I knew I didn’t make you happy. You were not the person you wanted to be when you were with me. You were miserable.
I wanted my love to be enough for you more than anything.
I gave myself to you in every form possible. You had my mind. You knew me. But I couldn’t ever talk to you because in the back of my mind always remains the thought that I was never good enough for you. Dwelling on that caused so many problems.
I know I cannot accept a compliment. I did not believe you found me pretty when you had been with such beautiful people before me.
Knowing that you found happiness and comfort from anyone else but me kills me.
So when we would sit, waiting on my mind to produce words, I would die on the inside and decide not to respond. If I would have responded, you would have really seen all of me and how insecure I have always been and left.
You could not fix me.
I die every day without you. You were my life and we did everything together.
Knowing that my personal issues ended us tears me apart.
Knowing that you realize I made you miserable and only held you back from who you were and what you wanted to do makes me sick.
So when you would try to talk to me and I would just sit there, know that I was literally losing my mind on the inside. I was bothered so deeply by feeling as if you could have better. I saw everyone who wanted you..
You could have had them so easily and when we were no longer, you have all of them.
Now there is nothing I can do about it but blame myself for not being what you needed.
Now I am a little fucked up, but as I always told you when you would ask me what was wrong–I’m fine.