As one would awake from a deep sleep–dazed and confused, my mind tends to wander with no apparent destination like one who has been revived. It wanders in search of affirmation and explanation as to why I am misunderstood. The metamorphosis that has taken place in my life goes unnoticed. With all that is heavy on my mind and heart, I am still able to keep my mind in the right place. It seems as if my efforts have been nullified, rendered useless. How can one who should be closest to you be the furthest away when it comes to psychological connections? They are not able to see the underlying intentions in your actions. They do not see how you have grown.
Emboss and embroider me with your egotistical tendencies.
Taste my abundance of love that envelops your flesh and allow it to clog your mind.
Choke on this intuition and lament for all you have done.
I am no longer in your grasp for you to claim that you love me.
I no longer have to conform to your behavior and destructive mannerisms.
I am no longer a possession of yours to be used then tossed out.
Your hysterical mind has always tried to dominate situations.
Control is all you know.
Our love consisted of me being at fault for your actions.
I am a victim of you.
Your way of loving reconciled the fate of destruction.
Now you fake your life.
I live around you and all you do.
Everything I do even now, is because of you.
When I am not able to be myself, it is because of you.
The measures I now have to strive to take just to avoid you are draining me of my happiness.
But you are still living.
The damage you have caused does not affect you.
You are not cognizant of how you treat others.
When you told me my soul was pure, that meant nothing.
How can you ever speak of my kind heart then take it from me?
The pureness once instilled has been obliterated by your destructiveness.
I allowed you to be my all and you took that away from me.
Now you only live a lie.
You live to fool others while satisfying yourself.
You live to hurt because that is all you know.
Your heart is not pure so you draw all of the genuine qualities and strength from others.
You feed off of our love for you.
Learn to satisfy yourself in ways that better you.
Taking from others only causes you to hurt eventually.
I wish that you feel pain in ways worse than you have ever brought upon me or anyone else.
I hope you are never lucky enough to receive love from a pure forgiving heart.
Night nears and my breathing slows.
With the darkness comes isolation.
Desolate feelings fall upon me.
The kindred spirits who accompany me during the day vanish.
Bleak lands creep into my dreams.
I awake feeling deprived.
You have denied me love.
You have left me denude of all feelings.
The night which was once meant for us now brings fear and trepidation.
My mind is yearning for a reason to see the good in you–to forgive you.
I am the one facing the repercussions of your love.
You are toxic and have continued to degrade me even after losing me.
You lost me. I did not push you away. Not once.
Your heart is not pure, yet mine still mourns for you.
I was the best you had. I completed you, and you me.
My mind vacillates between hating and longing for you.
Your presence that once infatuated me now only confuses and clouds my judgment.
My heart has been annihilated by you, but you are not affected.
The worst part about losing you is how my heart is now annihilated and I have no one who understands what I am feeling. You were a part of me. You were my person and now I feel so alone. No matter the circumstances, you were always there to talk if I needed you.
I am going back and forth between hating you and missing you. I know I need to obliterate your existence in my mind in order to function normally again..
This is the hardest part of losing someone–trying to not forgive them for all they have done.
You have changed so much.
I pray that you will become a better person.
Better to your standards.
But in order for any change to be made, you first have to realize that there is an underlying problem within you.
That problem has always been there.
You dismiss it and label it as something other than what it is when it reveals itself, but that does not cure your sickness.
You have something missing that causes your heart to lie in the wrong place.
Your heart is not pure.
Working to better yourself is a top priority of yours.
Or so you say it is.
If that was the case, you would have good intentions in all that you do.
You have changed so much.
You used to love so purely.
Your love is now toxic and deteriorating.
The rational, caring credibility you established for yourself is gone.
You hurt others and end up hurting yourself.
No one will wait around for you to change.
You are no ones project.
No one sets out on a hunt for a hurt man earning to craft them into a true one.
You hurt those that you love and you do not deserve love to be reciprocated.
How could you expect more than you are willing to give?
You always want more.
What you have is never enough.
I pray that you will become a better person.
While you are out at night, I am at home rotting in my thoughts. You are out doing as you wish and I sit here thinking about you. I think about how I will get through this hard time you have brought upon me.
You still have friends who think you are an amazing person. You do not deserve that. People like you do not deserve anything nice in life. I hope all that you have done catches up to you and brings nothing positive along with it. You do not deserve to be happy as you are now and you certainly do not deserve me.
You can not hide the person you are forever. One day everyone will know.
It may be better to hate you right now so I will not feel inclined to forgive you. You are not my project anymore. You are not my obligation. I do not owe you anything.
I am not perfect, but I do know my worth. I know that I, along with any other woman, deserves respect from a man. I am also aware of the fact that some people do not deserve second chances. My heart is so forgiving, but that is not a flaw of mine. I see the good in everyone and would give anyone a second chance if they showed self improvement. I gave someone I love a second chance and it broke me.
At first, things seemed different. The amount of respect I received seemed to be at an all-time high. Things changed slowly and the level of respect being given to me dwindled down to none. Once again, everything that happened somehow became my fault and it fell into my hands to fix and feel sorry for his mishaps.
Only a narcissistic person can turn everything on you when they are the source of the problem. Falling in love with a narcissist is falling in love with a monster. They are not capable of loving anyone but themselves. Whatever they deem to be love, is only selfishness.
He hurt me in ways I can not come to explain. I should have left long before I did. The first time a man ever puts his hands on you, leave and be done. It is never your fault and you do not have to make excuses for his actions. He is not a true man if he can stoop so low as to harming or having intentions to harm you. The narcissistic side of his abuse will cause him to believe that it is your fault that he ever had to lay his hands on you. He will see nothing wrong with what he did, because in his head it was not played out that way. To him, you did something to deserve that.
As I said, I am forgiving. Often too forgiving. No matter the circumstances, I look for a positive reason as to why someone did what they did. I should have not given him a second chance. He did not change, and I did not learn my lesson the first time around.
It is hard for me to even want the best for him because he never gave that to me. He truly is a monster and everyone should know. He does such a fine job of hiding his inner demons that he fools everyone, even me at times. But not this time.
I am terrified of him now. Things he did before scared me, but I have never been more terrified to end up in your presence again and have to face you. You are a monster. You hurt me so badly. It will be a long time before there is ever room for forgiveness in my heart for you and your actions.
He took advantage of my good qualities. He turned my forgiveness into weakness and manipulated me for it. I let him back in my life all of those times because my love was unconditional–it could not be moved. He has lost it and I am sorry for him. No one else ever knew him as I did and if they did, they would run.
I hope you are able to love yourself one day so you can learn to respect others. I hope you realize how much I put up with and how I tried to stay to better you as a person. I am already working on myself. I do not need another project and that is what you were. I hope you know how much you hurt me and how hard it is for me to make it through the day. I hope you are happy with all that you have done.
At the end of the day, you reign my heart. You are my person who furnishes me in ways I did not know were possible. You make me feel confident in myself and support me in all I do. I love you dearly–you mean the world to me.