To Hate

Hate is a feeling derived from within ones mind.
No one is born knowing hate.
Hate can be overcome–it was not here from the beginning.
No emotion is instilled in us but love.
From the beginning, we are loved and taught to love in ways that may be direct or indirect.

Even when you tell yourself you are done loving someone, that feeling is still there.
You wake up in the morning and feel empty without them.
Their presence is what completed you and made you able to love.

Seeing them makes you want to keep loving them.
It makes you want to melt and allow all of the strength you built in order to block them out of your life to dissipate.
You begin to wonder how they cannot still love you as you do them.
It was a two sided commitment that you are now trying to fight against.

Love should not be selfish.
Hate is selfish and controlling.

Seeing you and immediately feeling comfort and pain simultaneously is not love.
Whatever it was that you showed me and allowed me to feel was not love.
Love is not possessive.
It does not shame and punish.
The love I used to receive from you turned into dependency.
Even if I ever wanted to leave, I was not allowed.
You drove me to be dependent on you.
You masked your true self and allowed me to deal with your inner brute.

Then, you wake up one day and realize you are not missing them, but the memories they provided you.
The ways in which they caused you to suffer dominate the ways they brought you happiness.
You wake up and realize you do not miss them.
You are happy without them.
They did not complete you in any way.
Any time you begin to think of them, you hope they have noticed how much stronger you are without them.
They are nothing without you to hold them up.

 

Separation

My mind is yearning for a reason to see the good in you–to forgive you.
I am the one facing the repercussions of your love.
You are toxic and have continued to degrade me even after losing me.
You lost me. I did not push you away. Not once.
Your heart is not pure, yet mine still mourns for you.
I was the best you had. I completed you, and you me.
My mind vacillates between hating and longing for you.
Your presence that once infatuated me now only confuses and clouds my judgment.

My heart has been annihilated by you, but you are not affected.

Stage Two

The worst part about losing you is how my heart is now annihilated and I have no one who understands what I am feeling. You were a part of me. You were my person and now I feel so alone. No matter the circumstances, you were always there to talk if I needed you.
I am going back and forth between hating you and missing you. I know I need to obliterate your existence in my mind in order to function normally again..
This is the hardest part of losing someone–trying to not forgive them for all they have done.

Build me up just to break me down.

No matter how devoted and faithful I was, that was never enough for you. The pain of this does not even derive from your absence. This pain has occurred from the humiliation and destruction of my dignity that you have caused. You are the source of this. You had someone who was yours in front of your face and you allowed that to only mean as much to you as every other insignificant presence you allowed to come between us.
Your narcissistic ego granted our fate to become this reality.
The loving side of me wants to forgive you for all that you have done, but there is not room in my heart to forgive you anymore. You have caused me to succumb to my pain and lose sight of who I really am.
As much as I hate it, now I feed off of knowing that I am much better without you.
Before there was ever an “us” there was a me. I am better without you. You are not my life–you do not complete me. Training my mind to capitulate and see you for who you truly are has been one of my greatest struggles. I was infatuated with you for so long, I lost sight of your true qualities. My day is now a fraction easier knowing that you will not last. By that, I mean this is your peak in life. You are fooling everyone daily. You are not the kindhearted person you allow yourself to be perceived as. Behind closed doors you reveal your true self to those that you love. But, you can not genuinely love us. You do not destroy and degrade those you love.
You are not able to own up to any of your mistakes. You make those surrounding you feel and seem crazy for realizing the truth. You never admitted to anything you did to me and you ensure that everyone should believe the lies you tell. You must feel guilt inside for your mistakes. You allow others to take the blame and face the repercussions of everything you cause.
Your heart is not in the right place and you do nothing to fix it. The time you are enjoying now is a mere part of life that will be forgotten by most when the time to settle down with one they love comes. You may be happy with yourself now, but this is the end of your satisfaction with life. You will suffer later. People will look at you and wonder why you are alone. You may fool them temporarily, but they will be older then. Their minds will have aged and grown. Your childish, foolish ways of living that will not cease will be close to the surface, and take over.
Later in life you will not be able to fool people. They will be wiser and see right through you as I can now. I do not wish for you to have a terrible life, I just wish that you would get what you deserve.
The storm you have caused me will pass. But the storm that resides within you will never fully calm. You are an unhappy, sick person. Sick in ways I have not witnessed before. Instead of seeking help, you choose to reside in the minds of others and corrupt them into believing that you are a decent human being. Allow them to grow and they will see the real you. You are a monster and do not deserve the nice things you have now, as you have taken so much from me and everyone else. You have allowed me to fall into categories and stereotypes that do not fit my character. I am not a pushover like your wife will one day be. If anyone is able to make excuses for your poor behavior that destroys them through and through, they are weak. Weak people obtain weak minds. You will never have anything nice and if you do, you do not deserve it.

Gone

You have changed so much.
I pray that you will become a better person.
Better to your standards.
But in order for any change to be made, you first have to realize that there is an underlying problem within you.
That problem has always been there.
You dismiss it and label it as something other than what it is when it reveals itself, but that does not cure your sickness.
You have something missing that causes your heart to lie in the wrong place.
Your heart is not pure.
Working to better yourself is a top priority of yours.
Or so you say it is.
If that was the case, you would have good intentions in all that you do.
You have changed so much.
You used to love so purely.
Your love is now toxic and deteriorating.
The rational, caring credibility you established for yourself is gone.
You hurt others and end up hurting yourself.
No one will wait around for you to change.
You are no ones project.
No one sets out on a hunt for a hurt man earning to craft them into a true one.
You hurt those that you love and you do not deserve love to be reciprocated.
How could you expect more than you are willing to give?
You always want more.
What you have is never enough.
I pray that you will become a better person.

You Show No Love

While you are out at night, I am at home rotting in my thoughts. You are out doing as you wish and I sit here thinking about you. I think about how I will get through this hard time you have brought upon me.

You still have friends who think you are an amazing person. You do not deserve that. People like you do not deserve anything nice in life. I hope all that you have done catches up to you and brings nothing positive along with it. You do not deserve to be happy as you are now and you certainly do not deserve me.

You can not hide the person you are forever. One day everyone will know.

It may be better to hate you right now so I will not feel inclined to forgive you. You are not my project anymore. You are not my obligation. I do not owe you anything.

Un-break Me

I am not perfect, but I do know my worth. I know that I, along with any other woman, deserves respect from a man. I am also aware of the fact that some people do not deserve second chances. My heart is so forgiving, but that is not a flaw of mine. I see the good in everyone and would give anyone a second chance if they showed self improvement. I gave someone I love a second chance and it broke me.

At first, things seemed different. The amount of respect I received seemed to be at an all-time high. Things changed slowly and the level of respect being given to me dwindled down to none. Once again, everything that happened somehow became my fault and it fell into my hands to fix and feel sorry for his mishaps.

Only a narcissistic person can turn everything on you when they are the source of the problem. Falling in love with a narcissist is falling in love with a monster. They are not capable of loving anyone but themselves. Whatever they deem to be love, is only selfishness.

He hurt me in ways I can not come to explain. I should have left long before I did. The first time a man ever puts his hands on you, leave and be done. It is never your fault and you do not have to make excuses for his actions. He is not a true man if he can stoop so low as to harming or having intentions to harm you. The narcissistic side of his abuse will cause him to believe that it is your fault that he ever had to lay his hands on you. He will see nothing wrong with what he did, because in his head it was not played out that way. To him, you did something to deserve that.

As I said, I am forgiving. Often too forgiving. No matter the circumstances, I look for a positive reason as to why someone did what they did. I should have not given him a second chance. He did not change, and I did not learn my lesson the first time around.

It is hard for me to even want the best for him because he never gave that to me. He truly is a monster and everyone should know. He does such a fine job of hiding his inner demons that he fools everyone, even me at times. But not this time.

I am terrified of him now. Things he did before scared me, but I have never been more terrified to end up in your presence again and have to face you. You are a monster. You hurt me so badly. It will be a long time before there is ever room for forgiveness in my heart for you and your actions.

He took advantage of my good qualities. He turned my forgiveness into weakness and manipulated me for it. I let him back in my life all of those times because my love was unconditional–it could not be moved. He has lost it and I am sorry for him. No one else ever knew him as I did and if they did, they would run.

I hope you are able to love yourself one day so you can learn to respect others. I hope you realize how much I put up with and how I tried to stay to better you as a person. I am already working on myself. I do not need another project and that is what you were. I hope you know how much you hurt me and how hard it is for me to make it through the day. I hope you are happy with all that you have done.

 

Our Love

I always knew I loved you, but I fell in love with you slowly. You were a part of me from the beginning. Our love overpowered everything else. I have always been completely infatuated with you. Your love engulfed my heart and took over my life. I knew from the beginning that you were the one for me. No one will understand, but I know in my heart you are mine and have to remain mine.
When you were gone, it broke me.
I needed you.
Now that you are mine again, I will not be able to cope with losing you. You are the love of my life no matter what occurs between us.
Others may not understand, but the love between us will not fade. You are my home. When I am with you, I am myself. You constantly assist me in bettering myself and I can not thank you enough.
Through everything that has happened, I am still your number one supporter. I will back you no matter what.
But you can not leave me again. You are my sweet lover that I will not be without. You make life bearable for me.
Love me dearly, love me forever.
Do not break me again.
All of me is in your hands. You have my heart and trust.

For You, You Bastard

Thank you for always allowing me to feel like shit at the end of the day. Thank you for pushing me around and walking over me like I was just some source that fed and satisfied your prideful, oblivious mind.
You have succeeded in becoming a terrible person.
You should feel good about yourself now, right?
That is funny, you always feel good about yourself. You think you’re on top of the world. Invincible. Life will hit you in the face, hard hopefully.
You never learned how to care for someone other than yourself. We all have our flaws, but your selfishness overpowers all the rest.
You couldn’t love. At the end of the day, you only ruined things.
My dear, at the end of the day all you were was a narcissist who was missing so much on the inside. I tried to fill in your missing pieces and you gave me hell for it.
Never again will I be as dependent on someone as I was with you.
Nothing you ever did was wrong. Nothing you did ever registered in your mind as anything less than perfect.
You thought your mere existence was perfection. You thought that everyone was lucky to know you. Being in your presence was draining. There was no blessing in that.
All you did was make excuses to cover up the underlying monstrous personality that lay inside your heart.
No one sees how you really are. You only show your inner self to the people you grow close to. You grow close to them then destroy them. Those people know that you are not the person you portray yourself to be.
It is a wonder how someone as manipulative as you who contains so much hate inside your heart can have people who care for you and stick around.
I hope your soul changes.