Implicit Anger

I am mad at God.
I am mad at God when it is my own fault.
I am the only one to blame for my anger.
I know these things, yet I am still mad.

Knowingly ignoring signs He sent me due to my ignorant mind believing everything was going to work out as it imagined was simply foolishness. I tend to have a hard time comprehending when enough is actually enough. My tendencies to fight longer than necessary are instilled deep in me causing me to love the wrong things for too long. Every time something was to go wrong, I would pray that I could be able to find the strength and guidance to leave. I did not have it in me to leave on my own. I needed help from God. Being as I am, I would pray countless numbers of times and receive the same answer each time. Leave.
I could never leave. I always tried to make excuses and act as if I was doing myself justice by fighting for the love I wanted. I did not want to leave with the story I had to tell and be placed into a category of hurt, damaged women who have a hard time trusting men. I did not want to leave and feel as if I always had to keep my guard up. I did not want to leave and be asked why I flinch. I was made to feel crazy for being aware of all of these wrongs within the relationship, yet I still did not have the strength to leave. Knowingly involving myself with a counteracting source of energy that tampered with my mind just did not seem to be enough.
At this point I was already categorized as a weak woman who did not have the strength to divert her life from the path it was taking.
I continued to pray and I was even made fun of for my faith. I knew I should leave then, yet I saw that as another project area to stick around and mold. Time after time God gave me the same answer and I was too ignorant to listen. He never left my side, yet for some reason I am taking out my hurt on him. I am taking everything I feel right now and placing it on his shoulders, shaming him for allowing me to feel it. He gave me so many chances to opt out of the pain I am now struggling with–the social categories I now feel as if I fall into.
How can I continue to be mad at someone who has given me everything and stuck by my side no matter the choices I made? I continue to do it. I am angry with myself for sticking around and allowing things to happen to me that have shaped my character in ways I was not ready for. I am mad at the wrong person for what happened.

Build me up just to break me down.

No matter how devoted and faithful I was, that was never enough for you. The pain of this does not even derive from your absence. This pain has occurred from the humiliation and destruction of my dignity that you have caused. You are the source of this. You had someone who was yours in front of your face and you allowed that to only mean as much to you as every other insignificant presence you allowed to come between us.
Your narcissistic ego granted our fate to become this reality.
The loving side of me wants to forgive you for all that you have done, but there is not room in my heart to forgive you anymore. You have caused me to succumb to my pain and lose sight of who I really am.
As much as I hate it, now I feed off of knowing that I am much better without you.
Before there was ever an “us” there was a me. I am better without you. You are not my life–you do not complete me. Training my mind to capitulate and see you for who you truly are has been one of my greatest struggles. I was infatuated with you for so long, I lost sight of your true qualities. My day is now a fraction easier knowing that you will not last. By that, I mean this is your peak in life. You are fooling everyone daily. You are not the kindhearted person you allow yourself to be perceived as. Behind closed doors you reveal your true self to those that you love. But, you can not genuinely love us. You do not destroy and degrade those you love.
You are not able to own up to any of your mistakes. You make those surrounding you feel and seem crazy for realizing the truth. You never admitted to anything you did to me and you ensure that everyone should believe the lies you tell. You must feel guilt inside for your mistakes. You allow others to take the blame and face the repercussions of everything you cause.
Your heart is not in the right place and you do nothing to fix it. The time you are enjoying now is a mere part of life that will be forgotten by most when the time to settle down with one they love comes. You may be happy with yourself now, but this is the end of your satisfaction with life. You will suffer later. People will look at you and wonder why you are alone. You may fool them temporarily, but they will be older then. Their minds will have aged and grown. Your childish, foolish ways of living that will not cease will be close to the surface, and take over.
Later in life you will not be able to fool people. They will be wiser and see right through you as I can now. I do not wish for you to have a terrible life, I just wish that you would get what you deserve.
The storm you have caused me will pass. But the storm that resides within you will never fully calm. You are an unhappy, sick person. Sick in ways I have not witnessed before. Instead of seeking help, you choose to reside in the minds of others and corrupt them into believing that you are a decent human being. Allow them to grow and they will see the real you. You are a monster and do not deserve the nice things you have now, as you have taken so much from me and everyone else. You have allowed me to fall into categories and stereotypes that do not fit my character. I am not a pushover like your wife will one day be. If anyone is able to make excuses for your poor behavior that destroys them through and through, they are weak. Weak people obtain weak minds. You will never have anything nice and if you do, you do not deserve it.

Gone

You have changed so much.
I pray that you will become a better person.
Better to your standards.
But in order for any change to be made, you first have to realize that there is an underlying problem within you.
That problem has always been there.
You dismiss it and label it as something other than what it is when it reveals itself, but that does not cure your sickness.
You have something missing that causes your heart to lie in the wrong place.
Your heart is not pure.
Working to better yourself is a top priority of yours.
Or so you say it is.
If that was the case, you would have good intentions in all that you do.
You have changed so much.
You used to love so purely.
Your love is now toxic and deteriorating.
The rational, caring credibility you established for yourself is gone.
You hurt others and end up hurting yourself.
No one will wait around for you to change.
You are no ones project.
No one sets out on a hunt for a hurt man earning to craft them into a true one.
You hurt those that you love and you do not deserve love to be reciprocated.
How could you expect more than you are willing to give?
You always want more.
What you have is never enough.
I pray that you will become a better person.

Love Yourself

I reminisce on all of my poor decisions and wonder why I did not fall in love with myself long ago.
No man has ever been able to fill the void within me.
Only I am able to consult my inner demons and mold my insecurities into self-love that radiates to those around me.
I strive to be confident in myself–so no one will be able to knock me off the pedestal I build.
I do not ever want to feel as if I need someone to be happy. I will no longer depend on anyone.
There are so many opportunities in life that should not be missed out on due to dependency on a weak man.

Women in the Media

Nowadays, it is thought to be normal and attractive for women to have bodily parts strewn about and displayed in a sexual manner. Forty years ago, that would not have been acceptable. Low cut tops and the sexual appeal women’s bodies posed began to be seen as a breakthrough in society with the third-wave of feminism. In the early 1990s the promiscuous persona of a woman began to influence the media in new ways. Now, many advertisements are entirely dependent on women and their aesthetic appeal.

Women can now be seen on the cover of almost every ad posing to invoke sexual appeal. Women who model for clothing companies often look as if they are merely composed of skin and bones. If they do not meet the image guidelines that are proposed to them as “perfection”, they will not hold the modeling position. The culture today is too fixated around the appearance of a woman and her sexual appeal rather than her inner beauty.

With the third-wave of feminism, women presented their bodies in a different manner simply to make a statement. They wanted to prove that they too could wear clothing that categorized them as something more than a housewife. As they gained more control for themselves, they were then able to make their own choices as to what they would wear for the day. They were able to express themselves in new ways.

Now, when a woman wears something showing skin she is assumed to be doing it for the wrong reasons. Not all women are seeking sexual attention. Some simply do not care about the fact that they do have breasts that grow without their consent–so they chose to embrace their body and allow their figure to speak for itself. The magazine articles and grungy commercials all degrade women in ways that only media is able to. They popularize the sexual appeal of a woman instead of focusing on the natural beauty she possesses.

The Barriers Between the Genders

Men and women are alienated figures to one another. Besides some of the bodily structure similarities and both being a part of the human race, they are complete opposites.
One is not greater than the other. They each have their own individual purpose to serve in the way that is fit for them. Men are often perceived as the dominant sex, which places women as the submissive power. The media has formed barriers that divide the reality of the sexes into a morphed illusion filled with competition.
The sexual objectification in society makes it difficult for men and women to be seen as equals. Women are often seen as beautified objects, while men are perceived to be providers.
Women provide for the household just as much as men. There are stay at home dads just like there are moms.
Society classifies gender roles into categories that are sexist and unrealistic.