I am mad at God.
I am mad at God when it is my own fault.
I am the only one to blame for my anger.
I know these things, yet I am still mad.
Knowingly ignoring signs He sent me due to my ignorant mind believing everything was going to work out as it imagined was simply foolishness. I tend to have a hard time comprehending when enough is actually enough. My tendencies to fight longer than necessary are instilled deep in me causing me to love the wrong things for too long. Every time something was to go wrong, I would pray that I could be able to find the strength and guidance to leave. I did not have it in me to leave on my own. I needed help from God. Being as I am, I would pray countless numbers of times and receive the same answer each time. Leave.
I could never leave. I always tried to make excuses and act as if I was doing myself justice by fighting for the love I wanted. I did not want to leave with the story I had to tell and be placed into a category of hurt, damaged women who have a hard time trusting men. I did not want to leave and feel as if I always had to keep my guard up. I did not want to leave and be asked why I flinch. I was made to feel crazy for being aware of all of these wrongs within the relationship, yet I still did not have the strength to leave. Knowingly involving myself with a counteracting source of energy that tampered with my mind just did not seem to be enough.
At this point I was already categorized as a weak woman who did not have the strength to divert her life from the path it was taking.
I continued to pray and I was even made fun of for my faith. I knew I should leave then, yet I saw that as another project area to stick around and mold. Time after time God gave me the same answer and I was too ignorant to listen. He never left my side, yet for some reason I am taking out my hurt on him. I am taking everything I feel right now and placing it on his shoulders, shaming him for allowing me to feel it. He gave me so many chances to opt out of the pain I am now struggling with–the social categories I now feel as if I fall into.
How can I continue to be mad at someone who has given me everything and stuck by my side no matter the choices I made? I continue to do it. I am angry with myself for sticking around and allowing things to happen to me that have shaped my character in ways I was not ready for. I am mad at the wrong person for what happened.
This is entirely my opinion. After struggling with this for years, I thought I would share what I have learned and still wish to learn.
Remaining faithful and fully committed to Christ in all points of your life can be difficult. Everyone gets busy, and the reality of life takes ahold of us. As much as we would all like to feel constantly reassured that Christ is watching over us and providing for us, I believe we all fall short and second guess our faith from time to time. Maintaining a steady love relationship with Christ is the most important thing one could do, and also the hardest. There are many stages involved in being a fully committed follower. None of which are more important than the other.
Christians often get categorized as good or bad. I do not believe someone could be a “bad” Christian. Everyone makes mistakes, and as long as you learn from them so you are able to make a better choice next time, you are continuously growing. Some people declare themselves to be a Christian, but are still confused about what they need to do to be fully committed to Jesus. One can be confused and still be a Christian. They may have questions that lead them astray from fully committing to Christ, but still believe. Having questions and showing interest to learn is one of the first steps in becoming committed to Christ. Every Christian is still confused about some things. There is so much to grasp, that sometimes it is easier to focus on what you already know rather than expanding your mind with new thoughts and information.
While some are confused, others are convinced. They find it easy to comply and understand the faith, but are not fully committed and ready to dedicate their life to Christ. One who is convinced believes but still struggles to maintain their faith during every point in life. I am one who is convinced. Every day is still a struggle to become closer with God. Waking up in the mornings and saying a prayer should be the first thing on my mind, but I am distracted by earthly things–such as a phone. Being convinced leaves room for you to grow in your relationship with Jesus and work on ways you can share his love. That is without a doubt the point I am at. I know that I want to be committed, but I am still working on how to be. It seems as if there is not enough time in a day to accomplish everything I wish to. Things like work, school, maintaining my social life, and driving to and from all take away from the time I could be spending submerged in a Bible study. Balancing my time has proven to be my main issue with being committed.
If I was to be committed, I would be satisfied in all that I do. I am still very insecure in my decisions a lot of times. I feel as if I need someone to back me up on what I believe. A committed Christian may second guess some things, but at the end of the day every decision they make is made to better their relationship with Christ. There will be no abatement in a committed followers interest to grow and learn each day. I believe that to be committed, is to be at peace with yourself and others.