Separation

My mind is yearning for a reason to see the good in you–to forgive you.
I am the one facing the repercussions of your love.
You are toxic and have continued to degrade me even after losing me.
You lost me. I did not push you away. Not once.
Your heart is not pure, yet mine still mourns for you.
I was the best you had. I completed you, and you me.
My mind vacillates between hating and longing for you.
Your presence that once infatuated me now only confuses and clouds my judgment.

My heart has been annihilated by you, but you are not affected.

Stage Two

The worst part about losing you is how my heart is now annihilated and I have no one who understands what I am feeling. You were a part of me. You were my person and now I feel so alone. No matter the circumstances, you were always there to talk if I needed you.
I am going back and forth between hating you and missing you. I know I need to obliterate your existence in my mind in order to function normally again..
This is the hardest part of losing someone–trying to not forgive them for all they have done.

Build me up just to break me down.

No matter how devoted and faithful I was, that was never enough for you. The pain of this does not even derive from your absence. This pain has occurred from the humiliation and destruction of my dignity that you have caused. You are the source of this. You had someone who was yours in front of your face and you allowed that to only mean as much to you as every other insignificant presence you allowed to come between us.
Your narcissistic ego granted our fate to become this reality.
The loving side of me wants to forgive you for all that you have done, but there is not room in my heart to forgive you anymore. You have caused me to succumb to my pain and lose sight of who I really am.
As much as I hate it, now I feed off of knowing that I am much better without you.
Before there was ever an “us” there was a me. I am better without you. You are not my life–you do not complete me. Training my mind to capitulate and see you for who you truly are has been one of my greatest struggles. I was infatuated with you for so long, I lost sight of your true qualities. My day is now a fraction easier knowing that you will not last. By that, I mean this is your peak in life. You are fooling everyone daily. You are not the kindhearted person you allow yourself to be perceived as. Behind closed doors you reveal your true self to those that you love. But, you can not genuinely love us. You do not destroy and degrade those you love.
You are not able to own up to any of your mistakes. You make those surrounding you feel and seem crazy for realizing the truth. You never admitted to anything you did to me and you ensure that everyone should believe the lies you tell. You must feel guilt inside for your mistakes. You allow others to take the blame and face the repercussions of everything you cause.
Your heart is not in the right place and you do nothing to fix it. The time you are enjoying now is a mere part of life that will be forgotten by most when the time to settle down with one they love comes. You may be happy with yourself now, but this is the end of your satisfaction with life. You will suffer later. People will look at you and wonder why you are alone. You may fool them temporarily, but they will be older then. Their minds will have aged and grown. Your childish, foolish ways of living that will not cease will be close to the surface, and take over.
Later in life you will not be able to fool people. They will be wiser and see right through you as I can now. I do not wish for you to have a terrible life, I just wish that you would get what you deserve.
The storm you have caused me will pass. But the storm that resides within you will never fully calm. You are an unhappy, sick person. Sick in ways I have not witnessed before. Instead of seeking help, you choose to reside in the minds of others and corrupt them into believing that you are a decent human being. Allow them to grow and they will see the real you. You are a monster and do not deserve the nice things you have now, as you have taken so much from me and everyone else. You have allowed me to fall into categories and stereotypes that do not fit my character. I am not a pushover like your wife will one day be. If anyone is able to make excuses for your poor behavior that destroys them through and through, they are weak. Weak people obtain weak minds. You will never have anything nice and if you do, you do not deserve it.

You Show No Love

While you are out at night, I am at home rotting in my thoughts. You are out doing as you wish and I sit here thinking about you. I think about how I will get through this hard time you have brought upon me.

You still have friends who think you are an amazing person. You do not deserve that. People like you do not deserve anything nice in life. I hope all that you have done catches up to you and brings nothing positive along with it. You do not deserve to be happy as you are now and you certainly do not deserve me.

You can not hide the person you are forever. One day everyone will know.

It may be better to hate you right now so I will not feel inclined to forgive you. You are not my project anymore. You are not my obligation. I do not owe you anything.

Un-break Me

I am not perfect, but I do know my worth. I know that I, along with any other woman, deserves respect from a man. I am also aware of the fact that some people do not deserve second chances. My heart is so forgiving, but that is not a flaw of mine. I see the good in everyone and would give anyone a second chance if they showed self improvement. I gave someone I love a second chance and it broke me.

At first, things seemed different. The amount of respect I received seemed to be at an all-time high. Things changed slowly and the level of respect being given to me dwindled down to none. Once again, everything that happened somehow became my fault and it fell into my hands to fix and feel sorry for his mishaps.

Only a narcissistic person can turn everything on you when they are the source of the problem. Falling in love with a narcissist is falling in love with a monster. They are not capable of loving anyone but themselves. Whatever they deem to be love, is only selfishness.

He hurt me in ways I can not come to explain. I should have left long before I did. The first time a man ever puts his hands on you, leave and be done. It is never your fault and you do not have to make excuses for his actions. He is not a true man if he can stoop so low as to harming or having intentions to harm you. The narcissistic side of his abuse will cause him to believe that it is your fault that he ever had to lay his hands on you. He will see nothing wrong with what he did, because in his head it was not played out that way. To him, you did something to deserve that.

As I said, I am forgiving. Often too forgiving. No matter the circumstances, I look for a positive reason as to why someone did what they did. I should have not given him a second chance. He did not change, and I did not learn my lesson the first time around.

It is hard for me to even want the best for him because he never gave that to me. He truly is a monster and everyone should know. He does such a fine job of hiding his inner demons that he fools everyone, even me at times. But not this time.

I am terrified of him now. Things he did before scared me, but I have never been more terrified to end up in your presence again and have to face you. You are a monster. You hurt me so badly. It will be a long time before there is ever room for forgiveness in my heart for you and your actions.

He took advantage of my good qualities. He turned my forgiveness into weakness and manipulated me for it. I let him back in my life all of those times because my love was unconditional–it could not be moved. He has lost it and I am sorry for him. No one else ever knew him as I did and if they did, they would run.

I hope you are able to love yourself one day so you can learn to respect others. I hope you realize how much I put up with and how I tried to stay to better you as a person. I am already working on myself. I do not need another project and that is what you were. I hope you know how much you hurt me and how hard it is for me to make it through the day. I hope you are happy with all that you have done.

 

Living with Anxiety

“Oh you’re just overthinking.”
“Stop worrying for no reason.”
“Why does that bother you?”
Having anxiety is not a choice. You do not get to choose when the transition to panic mode will be made–causing you to feel as if you are being hunted down and singled out. You can not wake up and turn off the anxiety switch for the day. When it is there, it is there. For someone who does not have anxiety, they do not understand all of the thoughts that process though an anxiety filled mind. You could walk into a room full of people, unnoticed, yet feel as if everyone is cutting their eyes at you and degrading you. Overthinking your every move and thought slowly drives you crazy. Overthinking things to the point where you are at a loss for breath and your hands are trembling becomes your reality. Your heart begins to beat out of your chest and your thoughts are completely scattered. If someone is to ask you what is on your mind, you can not explain. Everything is already so distorted and trying to explain how you are feeling and how you see things only makes it worse. So, you keep to yourself and embrace your thoughts. The demons in your head dance around and come out to play, driving you mad.
For those who do not have to live with anxiety, you would not understand the worrisome attitude of one who does. Every daily activity is seen from a different perspective. You worry because it seems as if everyone is out to get you. The struggle to be around people when you do not know what is on their mind, or if they are conspiring against you is faced every day.
Do not ask why someone can not deal with something. We all have our reasons.

For You, You Bastard

Thank you for always allowing me to feel like shit at the end of the day. Thank you for pushing me around and walking over me like I was just some source that fed and satisfied your prideful, oblivious mind.
You have succeeded in becoming a terrible person.
You should feel good about yourself now, right?
That is funny, you always feel good about yourself. You think you’re on top of the world. Invincible. Life will hit you in the face, hard hopefully.
You never learned how to care for someone other than yourself. We all have our flaws, but your selfishness overpowers all the rest.
You couldn’t love. At the end of the day, you only ruined things.
My dear, at the end of the day all you were was a narcissist who was missing so much on the inside. I tried to fill in your missing pieces and you gave me hell for it.
Never again will I be as dependent on someone as I was with you.
Nothing you ever did was wrong. Nothing you did ever registered in your mind as anything less than perfect.
You thought your mere existence was perfection. You thought that everyone was lucky to know you. Being in your presence was draining. There was no blessing in that.
All you did was make excuses to cover up the underlying monstrous personality that lay inside your heart.
No one sees how you really are. You only show your inner self to the people you grow close to. You grow close to them then destroy them. Those people know that you are not the person you portray yourself to be.
It is a wonder how someone as manipulative as you who contains so much hate inside your heart can have people who care for you and stick around.
I hope your soul changes.

Not Enough

Having someone you love and attempt to do everything for tell you they were miserable when they were with you hurts. You put the blame on yourself for them feeling as if they were being held back.
Knowing that you were never what they wanted and they settled for you hurts..
Knowing that they do not care that things they do upset you, when all you do is try to please them hurts. Loving them hurts.
Constantly feeling like you can not breathe or get a grasp on reality due to the pain and confusion you feel from their absence kills you.
Trying, and trying to prove your love for them even when you have shown it time after time..
Sitting, wondering why you continue to love someone who does not seem to appreciate all of the ways you show it.
Not knowing what you two are..hoping he will want you back..but realistically thinking about how he has already been with, and found others that are his type since you.
You were just a phase for him.
He loved you, probably still loves you, but he does not understand you. You are looking for love from someone who is incapable of giving it to you.

Quiet

I don’t try to frustrate you.. When you ask me to explain how I am feeling, my thoughts cannot turn into words. The underlying thought that lives in my mind tells me I am not good enough for you. The way I feel, the things I want to explain, the reasoning behind all of my thoughts give me more reason to remain quiet.
I know how mad it makes you.
I want to confess how jealous I am of anyone who is around you when I am not, anyone who has been with you before me, anyone who ever got to experience you in a different way, anyone who caught your attention more so than I, and anyone you ever loved. I see how people are attracted to you. You are such a free spirit who cares for everyone. You go out of your way to make one happy.
Knowing that you were with them and you enjoyed it kills me.
I know how long I couldn’t sleep–or cried myself to sleep–how long I let the thoughts of you linger in my mind..
Your love was gone and I was so incomplete. I knew I didn’t make you happy. You were not the person you wanted to be when you were with me. You were miserable.
I wanted my love to be enough for you more than anything.
I gave myself to you in every form possible. You had my mind. You knew me. But I couldn’t ever talk to you because in the back of my mind always remains the thought that I was never good enough for you. Dwelling on that caused so many problems.
I know I cannot accept a compliment. I did not believe you found me pretty when you had been with such beautiful people before me.
Knowing that you found happiness and comfort from anyone else but me kills me.
So when we would sit, waiting on my mind to produce words, I would die on the inside and decide not to respond. If I would have responded, you would have really seen all of me and how insecure I have always been and left.
You could not fix me.
I die every day without you. You were my life and we did everything together.
Knowing that my personal issues ended us tears me apart.
Knowing that you realize I made you miserable and only held you back from who you were and what you wanted to do makes me sick.
So when you would try to talk to me and I would just sit there, know that I was literally losing my mind on the inside. I was bothered so deeply by feeling as if you could have better. I saw everyone who wanted you..
You could have had them so easily and when we were no longer, you have all of them.
Now there is nothing I can do about it but blame myself for not being what you needed.
Now I am a little fucked up, but as I always told you when you would ask me what was wrong–I’m fine.

My Pain

Even though you aren’t the one for me..
Know that I love you and I still care so deeply for you. You helped make me into the person I am.
All of our time together has taught be how to be selfless. I loved you and you came first.
You were my life, my everything, and thats why we can’t be together.
No one person can ever be my everything. I cannot have one main source of strength and happiness, because once you were gone, that ruined me.
You were my best friend..
You were mine, all mine, and I still love you so dearly.
We did everything together and I would have done anything for you.
You have your flaws like every other person, but there was a reason we were together and I am glad that I ever got to take part in loving you.
You always took care of me. I know that you would have done anything for me.
You taught me so much about how to love. I still love you, but that doesn’t have to go away. I’m learning to live without your love.
We were not meant to be together, but I think I was meant to love you.