Build me up just to break me down.

No matter how devoted and faithful I was, that was never enough for you. The pain of this does not even derive from your absence. This pain has occurred from the humiliation and destruction of my dignity that you have caused. You are the source of this. You had someone who was yours in front of your face and you allowed that to only mean as much to you as every other insignificant presence you allowed to come between us.
Your narcissistic ego granted our fate to become this reality.
The loving side of me wants to forgive you for all that you have done, but there is not room in my heart to forgive you anymore. You have caused me to succumb to my pain and lose sight of who I really am.
As much as I hate it, now I feed off of knowing that I am much better without you.
Before there was ever an “us” there was a me. I am better without you. You are not my life–you do not complete me. Training my mind to capitulate and see you for who you truly are has been one of my greatest struggles. I was infatuated with you for so long, I lost sight of your true qualities. My day is now a fraction easier knowing that you will not last. By that, I mean this is your peak in life. You are fooling everyone daily. You are not the kindhearted person you allow yourself to be perceived as. Behind closed doors you reveal your true self to those that you love. But, you can not genuinely love us. You do not destroy and degrade those you love.
You are not able to own up to any of your mistakes. You make those surrounding you feel and seem crazy for realizing the truth. You never admitted to anything you did to me and you ensure that everyone should believe the lies you tell. You must feel guilt inside for your mistakes. You allow others to take the blame and face the repercussions of everything you cause.
Your heart is not in the right place and you do nothing to fix it. The time you are enjoying now is a mere part of life that will be forgotten by most when the time to settle down with one they love comes. You may be happy with yourself now, but this is the end of your satisfaction with life. You will suffer later. People will look at you and wonder why you are alone. You may fool them temporarily, but they will be older then. Their minds will have aged and grown. Your childish, foolish ways of living that will not cease will be close to the surface, and take over.
Later in life you will not be able to fool people. They will be wiser and see right through you as I can now. I do not wish for you to have a terrible life, I just wish that you would get what you deserve.
The storm you have caused me will pass. But the storm that resides within you will never fully calm. You are an unhappy, sick person. Sick in ways I have not witnessed before. Instead of seeking help, you choose to reside in the minds of others and corrupt them into believing that you are a decent human being. Allow them to grow and they will see the real you. You are a monster and do not deserve the nice things you have now, as you have taken so much from me and everyone else. You have allowed me to fall into categories and stereotypes that do not fit my character. I am not a pushover like your wife will one day be. If anyone is able to make excuses for your poor behavior that destroys them through and through, they are weak. Weak people obtain weak minds. You will never have anything nice and if you do, you do not deserve it.

Gone

You have changed so much.
I pray that you will become a better person.
Better to your standards.
But in order for any change to be made, you first have to realize that there is an underlying problem within you.
That problem has always been there.
You dismiss it and label it as something other than what it is when it reveals itself, but that does not cure your sickness.
You have something missing that causes your heart to lie in the wrong place.
Your heart is not pure.
Working to better yourself is a top priority of yours.
Or so you say it is.
If that was the case, you would have good intentions in all that you do.
You have changed so much.
You used to love so purely.
Your love is now toxic and deteriorating.
The rational, caring credibility you established for yourself is gone.
You hurt others and end up hurting yourself.
No one will wait around for you to change.
You are no ones project.
No one sets out on a hunt for a hurt man earning to craft them into a true one.
You hurt those that you love and you do not deserve love to be reciprocated.
How could you expect more than you are willing to give?
You always want more.
What you have is never enough.
I pray that you will become a better person.

Love Yourself

I reminisce on all of my poor decisions and wonder why I did not fall in love with myself long ago.
No man has ever been able to fill the void within me.
Only I am able to consult my inner demons and mold my insecurities into self-love that radiates to those around me.
I strive to be confident in myself–so no one will be able to knock me off the pedestal I build.
I do not ever want to feel as if I need someone to be happy. I will no longer depend on anyone.
There are so many opportunities in life that should not be missed out on due to dependency on a weak man.

My Public Diary

Where would I be without this blog? Probably somewhere curled up in a dark hole.
Blogging is my therapy. I am able to express myself through writing better than verbal conversations. Writing has been my saving grace. Besides investing myself in God and daily devotions, this is my way to vent all of my built-up thoughts that occupy my mind.

This blog is my public diary and I thank everyone who leaves positive comments. I never feel as if I am being judged by my readers for anything I post.

You Show No Love

While you are out at night, I am at home rotting in my thoughts. You are out doing as you wish and I sit here thinking about you. I think about how I will get through this hard time you have brought upon me.

You still have friends who think you are an amazing person. You do not deserve that. People like you do not deserve anything nice in life. I hope all that you have done catches up to you and brings nothing positive along with it. You do not deserve to be happy as you are now and you certainly do not deserve me.

You can not hide the person you are forever. One day everyone will know.

It may be better to hate you right now so I will not feel inclined to forgive you. You are not my project anymore. You are not my obligation. I do not owe you anything.

Un-break Me

I am not perfect, but I do know my worth. I know that I, along with any other woman, deserves respect from a man. I am also aware of the fact that some people do not deserve second chances. My heart is so forgiving, but that is not a flaw of mine. I see the good in everyone and would give anyone a second chance if they showed self improvement. I gave someone I love a second chance and it broke me.

At first, things seemed different. The amount of respect I received seemed to be at an all-time high. Things changed slowly and the level of respect being given to me dwindled down to none. Once again, everything that happened somehow became my fault and it fell into my hands to fix and feel sorry for his mishaps.

Only a narcissistic person can turn everything on you when they are the source of the problem. Falling in love with a narcissist is falling in love with a monster. They are not capable of loving anyone but themselves. Whatever they deem to be love, is only selfishness.

He hurt me in ways I can not come to explain. I should have left long before I did. The first time a man ever puts his hands on you, leave and be done. It is never your fault and you do not have to make excuses for his actions. He is not a true man if he can stoop so low as to harming or having intentions to harm you. The narcissistic side of his abuse will cause him to believe that it is your fault that he ever had to lay his hands on you. He will see nothing wrong with what he did, because in his head it was not played out that way. To him, you did something to deserve that.

As I said, I am forgiving. Often too forgiving. No matter the circumstances, I look for a positive reason as to why someone did what they did. I should have not given him a second chance. He did not change, and I did not learn my lesson the first time around.

It is hard for me to even want the best for him because he never gave that to me. He truly is a monster and everyone should know. He does such a fine job of hiding his inner demons that he fools everyone, even me at times. But not this time.

I am terrified of him now. Things he did before scared me, but I have never been more terrified to end up in your presence again and have to face you. You are a monster. You hurt me so badly. It will be a long time before there is ever room for forgiveness in my heart for you and your actions.

He took advantage of my good qualities. He turned my forgiveness into weakness and manipulated me for it. I let him back in my life all of those times because my love was unconditional–it could not be moved. He has lost it and I am sorry for him. No one else ever knew him as I did and if they did, they would run.

I hope you are able to love yourself one day so you can learn to respect others. I hope you realize how much I put up with and how I tried to stay to better you as a person. I am already working on myself. I do not need another project and that is what you were. I hope you know how much you hurt me and how hard it is for me to make it through the day. I hope you are happy with all that you have done.

 

The Education System

From the time I began school up until now when I am about to begin my postsecondary education, testing and unreasonable expectations are all that have been placed in front of me. Students are expected to have their life together and know if they would rather be a surgeon or social worker by the time they can walk–slight over exaggeration, but the concept remains the same. Young students face more hardships and stress through the education system than is necessary. The burden of standardized testing is placed on students from a young age and sticks with them through out their life. Test scores begin to represent who they are, and all that they know. From the education system basing students knowledge off test scores, many are being sold short of the knowledge and skills they actually obtain.

Students take an average of twenty standardized tests annually. The time it takes them to prepare for and take the test could be used to teach skills that would further ready them for real life situations. Persistent testing is draining and discouraging. If the time spend on tests was used to further educate students, their future test scores could be higher.

Just because one does not score well on a state administered exam, does not mean they are not worthy of a good college education. The dependency on testing to rank ones knowledge level should be diminished. Real life situations such as interviews and on site job training should be available for students to use to prove that they are intelligent and well informed in certain areas.

Our Love

I always knew I loved you, but I fell in love with you slowly. You were a part of me from the beginning. Our love overpowered everything else. I have always been completely infatuated with you. Your love engulfed my heart and took over my life. I knew from the beginning that you were the one for me. No one will understand, but I know in my heart you are mine and have to remain mine.
When you were gone, it broke me.
I needed you.
Now that you are mine again, I will not be able to cope with losing you. You are the love of my life no matter what occurs between us.
Others may not understand, but the love between us will not fade. You are my home. When I am with you, I am myself. You constantly assist me in bettering myself and I can not thank you enough.
Through everything that has happened, I am still your number one supporter. I will back you no matter what.
But you can not leave me again. You are my sweet lover that I will not be without. You make life bearable for me.
Love me dearly, love me forever.
Do not break me again.
All of me is in your hands. You have my heart and trust.

Self-Image

Society is so fixated around ones appearance. Feeling as if you have to look your best and conform to others around you is something I believe many people struggle with.
For me, the way I feel about myself comes from the energy of those surrounding me. I had a not so good time this past year with how I felt about myself. A lot of personal issues arose that should have been addressed long ago, but got pushed aside.

The hardest part about working on yourself is knowing where to begin. Trusting that people actually mean what they say and are not out to get you is something that takes a long time to register. Recognizing that someone is genuine and not lying to you can be hard when all you have faced in the past was disappointment after disappointment.

Loving yourself is hard when you do not recognize all that you have to offer to the world. The way you have been stereotyped and perceived affects your daily life. Breaking out of your shell can be more difficult than it seems.

Loving yourself is the first step. Knowing your worth and realizing all of the good that you do, breaking down all of your beneficial qualities are some of the first steps to seeing yourself for who you are.

The media tries to portray an image of perfect that no individual can achieve. Perfection does not come from what you wear or how well you dress. It comes from how well you love others and what you are willing to do for them. Love yourself so you can love others.