As one would awake from a deep sleep–dazed and confused, my mind tends to wander with no apparent destination like one who has been revived. It wanders in search of affirmation and explanation as to why I am misunderstood. The metamorphosis that has taken place in my life goes unnoticed. With all that is heavy on my mind and heart, I am still able to keep my mind in the right place. It seems as if my efforts have been nullified, rendered useless. How can one who should be closest to you be the furthest away when it comes to psychological connections? They are not able to see the underlying intentions in your actions. They do not see how you have grown.
Emboss and embroider me with your egotistical tendencies.
Taste my abundance of love that envelops your flesh and allow it to clog your mind.
Choke on this intuition and lament for all you have done.
I am no longer in your grasp for you to claim that you love me.
I no longer have to conform to your behavior and destructive mannerisms.
I am no longer a possession of yours to be used then tossed out.
Your hysterical mind has always tried to dominate situations.
Control is all you know.
Our love consisted of me being at fault for your actions.
I am a victim of you.
Your way of loving reconciled the fate of destruction.
Now you fake your life.
I live around you and all you do.
Everything I do even now, is because of you.
When I am not able to be myself, it is because of you.
The measures I now have to strive to take just to avoid you are draining me of my happiness.
But you are still living.
The damage you have caused does not affect you.
You are not cognizant of how you treat others.
When you told me my soul was pure, that meant nothing.
How can you ever speak of my kind heart then take it from me?
The pureness once instilled has been obliterated by your destructiveness.
I allowed you to be my all and you took that away from me.
Now you only live a lie.
You live to fool others while satisfying yourself.
You live to hurt because that is all you know.
Your heart is not pure so you draw all of the genuine qualities and strength from others.
You feed off of our love for you.
Learn to satisfy yourself in ways that better you.
Taking from others only causes you to hurt eventually.
I wish that you feel pain in ways worse than you have ever brought upon me or anyone else.
I hope you are never lucky enough to receive love from a pure forgiving heart.
I am mad at God.
I am mad at God when it is my own fault.
I am the only one to blame for my anger.
I know these things, yet I am still mad.
Knowingly ignoring signs He sent me due to my ignorant mind believing everything was going to work out as it imagined was simply foolishness. I tend to have a hard time comprehending when enough is actually enough. My tendencies to fight longer than necessary are instilled deep in me causing me to love the wrong things for too long. Every time something was to go wrong, I would pray that I could be able to find the strength and guidance to leave. I did not have it in me to leave on my own. I needed help from God. Being as I am, I would pray countless numbers of times and receive the same answer each time. Leave.
I could never leave. I always tried to make excuses and act as if I was doing myself justice by fighting for the love I wanted. I did not want to leave with the story I had to tell and be placed into a category of hurt, damaged women who have a hard time trusting men. I did not want to leave and feel as if I always had to keep my guard up. I did not want to leave and be asked why I flinch. I was made to feel crazy for being aware of all of these wrongs within the relationship, yet I still did not have the strength to leave. Knowingly involving myself with a counteracting source of energy that tampered with my mind just did not seem to be enough.
At this point I was already categorized as a weak woman who did not have the strength to divert her life from the path it was taking.
I continued to pray and I was even made fun of for my faith. I knew I should leave then, yet I saw that as another project area to stick around and mold. Time after time God gave me the same answer and I was too ignorant to listen. He never left my side, yet for some reason I am taking out my hurt on him. I am taking everything I feel right now and placing it on his shoulders, shaming him for allowing me to feel it. He gave me so many chances to opt out of the pain I am now struggling with–the social categories I now feel as if I fall into.
How can I continue to be mad at someone who has given me everything and stuck by my side no matter the choices I made? I continue to do it. I am angry with myself for sticking around and allowing things to happen to me that have shaped my character in ways I was not ready for. I am mad at the wrong person for what happened.
Hate is a feeling derived from within ones mind.
No one is born knowing hate.
Hate can be overcome–it was not here from the beginning.
No emotion is instilled in us but love.
From the beginning, we are loved and taught to love in ways that may be direct or indirect.
Even when you tell yourself you are done loving someone, that feeling is still there.
You wake up in the morning and feel empty without them.
Their presence is what completed you and made you able to love.
Seeing them makes you want to keep loving them.
It makes you want to melt and allow all of the strength you built in order to block them out of your life to dissipate.
You begin to wonder how they cannot still love you as you do them.
It was a two sided commitment that you are now trying to fight against.
Love should not be selfish.
Hate is selfish and controlling.
Seeing you and immediately feeling comfort and pain simultaneously is not love.
Whatever it was that you showed me and allowed me to feel was not love.
Love is not possessive.
It does not shame and punish.
The love I used to receive from you turned into dependency.
Even if I ever wanted to leave, I was not allowed.
You drove me to be dependent on you.
You masked your true self and allowed me to deal with your inner brute.
Then, you wake up one day and realize you are not missing them, but the memories they provided you.
The ways in which they caused you to suffer dominate the ways they brought you happiness.
You wake up and realize you do not miss them.
You are happy without them.
They did not complete you in any way.
Any time you begin to think of them, you hope they have noticed how much stronger you are without them.
They are nothing without you to hold them up.
No matter how devoted and faithful I was, that was never enough for you. The pain of this does not even derive from your absence. This pain has occurred from the humiliation and destruction of my dignity that you have caused. You are the source of this. You had someone who was yours in front of your face and you allowed that to only mean as much to you as every other insignificant presence you allowed to come between us.
Your narcissistic ego granted our fate to become this reality.
The loving side of me wants to forgive you for all that you have done, but there is not room in my heart to forgive you anymore. You have caused me to succumb to my pain and lose sight of who I really am.
As much as I hate it, now I feed off of knowing that I am much better without you.
Before there was ever an “us” there was a me. I am better without you. You are not my life–you do not complete me. Training my mind to capitulate and see you for who you truly are has been one of my greatest struggles. I was infatuated with you for so long, I lost sight of your true qualities. My day is now a fraction easier knowing that you will not last. By that, I mean this is your peak in life. You are fooling everyone daily. You are not the kindhearted person you allow yourself to be perceived as. Behind closed doors you reveal your true self to those that you love. But, you can not genuinely love us. You do not destroy and degrade those you love.
You are not able to own up to any of your mistakes. You make those surrounding you feel and seem crazy for realizing the truth. You never admitted to anything you did to me and you ensure that everyone should believe the lies you tell. You must feel guilt inside for your mistakes. You allow others to take the blame and face the repercussions of everything you cause.
Your heart is not in the right place and you do nothing to fix it. The time you are enjoying now is a mere part of life that will be forgotten by most when the time to settle down with one they love comes. You may be happy with yourself now, but this is the end of your satisfaction with life. You will suffer later. People will look at you and wonder why you are alone. You may fool them temporarily, but they will be older then. Their minds will have aged and grown. Your childish, foolish ways of living that will not cease will be close to the surface, and take over.
Later in life you will not be able to fool people. They will be wiser and see right through you as I can now. I do not wish for you to have a terrible life, I just wish that you would get what you deserve.
The storm you have caused me will pass. But the storm that resides within you will never fully calm. You are an unhappy, sick person. Sick in ways I have not witnessed before. Instead of seeking help, you choose to reside in the minds of others and corrupt them into believing that you are a decent human being. Allow them to grow and they will see the real you. You are a monster and do not deserve the nice things you have now, as you have taken so much from me and everyone else. You have allowed me to fall into categories and stereotypes that do not fit my character. I am not a pushover like your wife will one day be. If anyone is able to make excuses for your poor behavior that destroys them through and through, they are weak. Weak people obtain weak minds. You will never have anything nice and if you do, you do not deserve it.
I reminisce on all of my poor decisions and wonder why I did not fall in love with myself long ago.
No man has ever been able to fill the void within me.
Only I am able to consult my inner demons and mold my insecurities into self-love that radiates to those around me.
I strive to be confident in myself–so no one will be able to knock me off the pedestal I build.
I do not ever want to feel as if I need someone to be happy. I will no longer depend on anyone.
There are so many opportunities in life that should not be missed out on due to dependency on a weak man.
While you are out at night, I am at home rotting in my thoughts. You are out doing as you wish and I sit here thinking about you. I think about how I will get through this hard time you have brought upon me.
You still have friends who think you are an amazing person. You do not deserve that. People like you do not deserve anything nice in life. I hope all that you have done catches up to you and brings nothing positive along with it. You do not deserve to be happy as you are now and you certainly do not deserve me.
You can not hide the person you are forever. One day everyone will know.
It may be better to hate you right now so I will not feel inclined to forgive you. You are not my project anymore. You are not my obligation. I do not owe you anything.
I am not perfect, but I do know my worth. I know that I, along with any other woman, deserves respect from a man. I am also aware of the fact that some people do not deserve second chances. My heart is so forgiving, but that is not a flaw of mine. I see the good in everyone and would give anyone a second chance if they showed self improvement. I gave someone I love a second chance and it broke me.
At first, things seemed different. The amount of respect I received seemed to be at an all-time high. Things changed slowly and the level of respect being given to me dwindled down to none. Once again, everything that happened somehow became my fault and it fell into my hands to fix and feel sorry for his mishaps.
Only a narcissistic person can turn everything on you when they are the source of the problem. Falling in love with a narcissist is falling in love with a monster. They are not capable of loving anyone but themselves. Whatever they deem to be love, is only selfishness.
He hurt me in ways I can not come to explain. I should have left long before I did. The first time a man ever puts his hands on you, leave and be done. It is never your fault and you do not have to make excuses for his actions. He is not a true man if he can stoop so low as to harming or having intentions to harm you. The narcissistic side of his abuse will cause him to believe that it is your fault that he ever had to lay his hands on you. He will see nothing wrong with what he did, because in his head it was not played out that way. To him, you did something to deserve that.
As I said, I am forgiving. Often too forgiving. No matter the circumstances, I look for a positive reason as to why someone did what they did. I should have not given him a second chance. He did not change, and I did not learn my lesson the first time around.
It is hard for me to even want the best for him because he never gave that to me. He truly is a monster and everyone should know. He does such a fine job of hiding his inner demons that he fools everyone, even me at times. But not this time.
I am terrified of him now. Things he did before scared me, but I have never been more terrified to end up in your presence again and have to face you. You are a monster. You hurt me so badly. It will be a long time before there is ever room for forgiveness in my heart for you and your actions.
He took advantage of my good qualities. He turned my forgiveness into weakness and manipulated me for it. I let him back in my life all of those times because my love was unconditional–it could not be moved. He has lost it and I am sorry for him. No one else ever knew him as I did and if they did, they would run.
I hope you are able to love yourself one day so you can learn to respect others. I hope you realize how much I put up with and how I tried to stay to better you as a person. I am already working on myself. I do not need another project and that is what you were. I hope you know how much you hurt me and how hard it is for me to make it through the day. I hope you are happy with all that you have done.
I always knew I loved you, but I fell in love with you slowly. You were a part of me from the beginning. Our love overpowered everything else. I have always been completely infatuated with you. Your love engulfed my heart and took over my life. I knew from the beginning that you were the one for me. No one will understand, but I know in my heart you are mine and have to remain mine.
When you were gone, it broke me.
I needed you.
Now that you are mine again, I will not be able to cope with losing you. You are the love of my life no matter what occurs between us.
Others may not understand, but the love between us will not fade. You are my home. When I am with you, I am myself. You constantly assist me in bettering myself and I can not thank you enough.
Through everything that has happened, I am still your number one supporter. I will back you no matter what.
But you can not leave me again. You are my sweet lover that I will not be without. You make life bearable for me.
Love me dearly, love me forever.
Do not break me again.
All of me is in your hands. You have my heart and trust.