You Hurt

I am no longer in your grasp for you to claim that you love me.
I no longer have to conform to your behavior and destructive mannerisms.
I am no longer a possession of yours to be used then tossed out.

Your hysterical mind has always tried to dominate situations.
Control is all you know.
Our love consisted of me being at fault for your actions.
I am a victim of you.
Your way of loving reconciled the fate of destruction.

Now you fake your life.
I live around you and all you do.
Everything I do even now, is because of you.
When I am not able to be myself, it is because of you.
The measures I now have to strive to take just to avoid you are draining me of my happiness.

But you are still living.
The damage you have caused does not affect you.
You are not cognizant of how you treat others.

When you told me my soul was pure, that meant nothing.
How can you ever speak of my kind heart then take it from me?
The pureness once instilled has been obliterated by your destructiveness.
I allowed you to be my all and you took that away from me.

Now you only live a lie.
You live to fool others while satisfying yourself.
You live to hurt because that is all you know.

Your heart is not pure so you draw all of the genuine qualities and strength from others.
You feed off of our love for you.

Learn to satisfy yourself in ways that better you.
Taking from others only causes you to hurt eventually.
I wish that you feel pain in ways worse than you have ever brought upon me or anyone else.
I hope you are never lucky enough to receive love from a pure forgiving heart.

Implicit Anger

I am mad at God.
I am mad at God when it is my own fault.
I am the only one to blame for my anger.
I know these things, yet I am still mad.

Knowingly ignoring signs He sent me due to my ignorant mind believing everything was going to work out as it imagined was simply foolishness. I tend to have a hard time comprehending when enough is actually enough. My tendencies to fight longer than necessary are instilled deep in me causing me to love the wrong things for too long. Every time something was to go wrong, I would pray that I could be able to find the strength and guidance to leave. I did not have it in me to leave on my own. I needed help from God. Being as I am, I would pray countless numbers of times and receive the same answer each time. Leave.
I could never leave. I always tried to make excuses and act as if I was doing myself justice by fighting for the love I wanted. I did not want to leave with the story I had to tell and be placed into a category of hurt, damaged women who have a hard time trusting men. I did not want to leave and feel as if I always had to keep my guard up. I did not want to leave and be asked why I flinch. I was made to feel crazy for being aware of all of these wrongs within the relationship, yet I still did not have the strength to leave. Knowingly involving myself with a counteracting source of energy that tampered with my mind just did not seem to be enough.
At this point I was already categorized as a weak woman who did not have the strength to divert her life from the path it was taking.
I continued to pray and I was even made fun of for my faith. I knew I should leave then, yet I saw that as another project area to stick around and mold. Time after time God gave me the same answer and I was too ignorant to listen. He never left my side, yet for some reason I am taking out my hurt on him. I am taking everything I feel right now and placing it on his shoulders, shaming him for allowing me to feel it. He gave me so many chances to opt out of the pain I am now struggling with–the social categories I now feel as if I fall into.
How can I continue to be mad at someone who has given me everything and stuck by my side no matter the choices I made? I continue to do it. I am angry with myself for sticking around and allowing things to happen to me that have shaped my character in ways I was not ready for. I am mad at the wrong person for what happened.

Separation

My mind is yearning for a reason to see the good in you–to forgive you.
I am the one facing the repercussions of your love.
You are toxic and have continued to degrade me even after losing me.
You lost me. I did not push you away. Not once.
Your heart is not pure, yet mine still mourns for you.
I was the best you had. I completed you, and you me.
My mind vacillates between hating and longing for you.
Your presence that once infatuated me now only confuses and clouds my judgment.

My heart has been annihilated by you, but you are not affected.

Stage Two

The worst part about losing you is how my heart is now annihilated and I have no one who understands what I am feeling. You were a part of me. You were my person and now I feel so alone. No matter the circumstances, you were always there to talk if I needed you.
I am going back and forth between hating you and missing you. I know I need to obliterate your existence in my mind in order to function normally again..
This is the hardest part of losing someone–trying to not forgive them for all they have done.

Gone

You have changed so much.
I pray that you will become a better person.
Better to your standards.
But in order for any change to be made, you first have to realize that there is an underlying problem within you.
That problem has always been there.
You dismiss it and label it as something other than what it is when it reveals itself, but that does not cure your sickness.
You have something missing that causes your heart to lie in the wrong place.
Your heart is not pure.
Working to better yourself is a top priority of yours.
Or so you say it is.
If that was the case, you would have good intentions in all that you do.
You have changed so much.
You used to love so purely.
Your love is now toxic and deteriorating.
The rational, caring credibility you established for yourself is gone.
You hurt others and end up hurting yourself.
No one will wait around for you to change.
You are no ones project.
No one sets out on a hunt for a hurt man earning to craft them into a true one.
You hurt those that you love and you do not deserve love to be reciprocated.
How could you expect more than you are willing to give?
You always want more.
What you have is never enough.
I pray that you will become a better person.

My Public Diary

Where would I be without this blog? Probably somewhere curled up in a dark hole.
Blogging is my therapy. I am able to express myself through writing better than verbal conversations. Writing has been my saving grace. Besides investing myself in God and daily devotions, this is my way to vent all of my built-up thoughts that occupy my mind.

This blog is my public diary and I thank everyone who leaves positive comments. I never feel as if I am being judged by my readers for anything I post.

You Show No Love

While you are out at night, I am at home rotting in my thoughts. You are out doing as you wish and I sit here thinking about you. I think about how I will get through this hard time you have brought upon me.

You still have friends who think you are an amazing person. You do not deserve that. People like you do not deserve anything nice in life. I hope all that you have done catches up to you and brings nothing positive along with it. You do not deserve to be happy as you are now and you certainly do not deserve me.

You can not hide the person you are forever. One day everyone will know.

It may be better to hate you right now so I will not feel inclined to forgive you. You are not my project anymore. You are not my obligation. I do not owe you anything.

The Education System

From the time I began school up until now when I am about to begin my postsecondary education, testing and unreasonable expectations are all that have been placed in front of me. Students are expected to have their life together and know if they would rather be a surgeon or social worker by the time they can walk–slight over exaggeration, but the concept remains the same. Young students face more hardships and stress through the education system than is necessary. The burden of standardized testing is placed on students from a young age and sticks with them through out their life. Test scores begin to represent who they are, and all that they know. From the education system basing students knowledge off test scores, many are being sold short of the knowledge and skills they actually obtain.

Students take an average of twenty standardized tests annually. The time it takes them to prepare for and take the test could be used to teach skills that would further ready them for real life situations. Persistent testing is draining and discouraging. If the time spend on tests was used to further educate students, their future test scores could be higher.

Just because one does not score well on a state administered exam, does not mean they are not worthy of a good college education. The dependency on testing to rank ones knowledge level should be diminished. Real life situations such as interviews and on site job training should be available for students to use to prove that they are intelligent and well informed in certain areas.