As one would awake from a deep sleep–dazed and confused, my mind tends to wander with no apparent destination like one who has been revived. It wanders in search of affirmation and explanation as to why I am misunderstood. The metamorphosis that has taken place in my life goes unnoticed. With all that is heavy on my mind and heart, I am still able to keep my mind in the right place. It seems as if my efforts have been nullified, rendered useless. How can one who should be closest to you be the furthest away when it comes to psychological connections? They are not able to see the underlying intentions in your actions. They do not see how you have grown.
Tell me tempting lies and make deceptiveness look appealing.
Allow your inglorious lifestyle to embark you on a journey of shame.
Break me down and then instill skittish tendencies.
Mourn for all you have done and succumb to the remorse you should feel.
But after you are done breaking me down, reconstruct me.
With a vain attempt, try to love.
Then let me remember your worst so I will stop craving your best.
Evoke the memories that made me savvy to your destructive actions.
Jog my memory as to why I withdrew from you.
Wither away in your own sorrow and self pity.
Be conscious of the state of desolation you cause one to render to.
Accept that you have amounted to nothing and wrecked those closest to you.
Emboss and embroider me with your egotistical tendencies.
Taste my abundance of love that envelops your flesh and allow it to clog your mind.
Choke on this intuition and lament for all you have done.
My insecurities are longing to be caressed by your demonic touch–to feel your evil pleasure.
Your condemned spirit brings my soul joy.
Your darkest places allot for a search to find pure love.
I am no longer in your grasp for you to claim that you love me.
I no longer have to conform to your behavior and destructive mannerisms.
I am no longer a possession of yours to be used then tossed out.
Your hysterical mind has always tried to dominate situations.
Control is all you know.
Our love consisted of me being at fault for your actions.
I am a victim of you.
Your way of loving reconciled the fate of destruction.
Now you fake your life.
I live around you and all you do.
Everything I do even now, is because of you.
When I am not able to be myself, it is because of you.
The measures I now have to strive to take just to avoid you are draining me of my happiness.
But you are still living.
The damage you have caused does not affect you.
You are not cognizant of how you treat others.
When you told me my soul was pure, that meant nothing.
How can you ever speak of my kind heart then take it from me?
The pureness once instilled has been obliterated by your destructiveness.
I allowed you to be my all and you took that away from me.
Now you only live a lie.
You live to fool others while satisfying yourself.
You live to hurt because that is all you know.
Your heart is not pure so you draw all of the genuine qualities and strength from others.
You feed off of our love for you.
Learn to satisfy yourself in ways that better you.
Taking from others only causes you to hurt eventually.
I wish that you feel pain in ways worse than you have ever brought upon me or anyone else.
I hope you are never lucky enough to receive love from a pure forgiving heart.
Night nears and my breathing slows.
With the darkness comes isolation.
Desolate feelings fall upon me.
The kindred spirits who accompany me during the day vanish.
Bleak lands creep into my dreams.
I awake feeling deprived.
You have denied me love.
You have left me denude of all feelings.
The night which was once meant for us now brings fear and trepidation.
I am mad at God.
I am mad at God when it is my own fault.
I am the only one to blame for my anger.
I know these things, yet I am still mad.
Knowingly ignoring signs He sent me due to my ignorant mind believing everything was going to work out as it imagined was simply foolishness. I tend to have a hard time comprehending when enough is actually enough. My tendencies to fight longer than necessary are instilled deep in me causing me to love the wrong things for too long. Every time something was to go wrong, I would pray that I could be able to find the strength and guidance to leave. I did not have it in me to leave on my own. I needed help from God. Being as I am, I would pray countless numbers of times and receive the same answer each time. Leave.
I could never leave. I always tried to make excuses and act as if I was doing myself justice by fighting for the love I wanted. I did not want to leave with the story I had to tell and be placed into a category of hurt, damaged women who have a hard time trusting men. I did not want to leave and feel as if I always had to keep my guard up. I did not want to leave and be asked why I flinch. I was made to feel crazy for being aware of all of these wrongs within the relationship, yet I still did not have the strength to leave. Knowingly involving myself with a counteracting source of energy that tampered with my mind just did not seem to be enough.
At this point I was already categorized as a weak woman who did not have the strength to divert her life from the path it was taking.
I continued to pray and I was even made fun of for my faith. I knew I should leave then, yet I saw that as another project area to stick around and mold. Time after time God gave me the same answer and I was too ignorant to listen. He never left my side, yet for some reason I am taking out my hurt on him. I am taking everything I feel right now and placing it on his shoulders, shaming him for allowing me to feel it. He gave me so many chances to opt out of the pain I am now struggling with–the social categories I now feel as if I fall into.
How can I continue to be mad at someone who has given me everything and stuck by my side no matter the choices I made? I continue to do it. I am angry with myself for sticking around and allowing things to happen to me that have shaped my character in ways I was not ready for. I am mad at the wrong person for what happened.
Hate is a feeling derived from within ones mind.
No one is born knowing hate.
Hate can be overcome–it was not here from the beginning.
No emotion is instilled in us but love.
From the beginning, we are loved and taught to love in ways that may be direct or indirect.
Even when you tell yourself you are done loving someone, that feeling is still there.
You wake up in the morning and feel empty without them.
Their presence is what completed you and made you able to love.
Seeing them makes you want to keep loving them.
It makes you want to melt and allow all of the strength you built in order to block them out of your life to dissipate.
You begin to wonder how they cannot still love you as you do them.
It was a two sided commitment that you are now trying to fight against.
Love should not be selfish.
Hate is selfish and controlling.
Seeing you and immediately feeling comfort and pain simultaneously is not love.
Whatever it was that you showed me and allowed me to feel was not love.
Love is not possessive.
It does not shame and punish.
The love I used to receive from you turned into dependency.
Even if I ever wanted to leave, I was not allowed.
You drove me to be dependent on you.
You masked your true self and allowed me to deal with your inner brute.
Then, you wake up one day and realize you are not missing them, but the memories they provided you.
The ways in which they caused you to suffer dominate the ways they brought you happiness.
You wake up and realize you do not miss them.
You are happy without them.
They did not complete you in any way.
Any time you begin to think of them, you hope they have noticed how much stronger you are without them.
They are nothing without you to hold them up.
My mind is yearning for a reason to see the good in you–to forgive you.
I am the one facing the repercussions of your love.
You are toxic and have continued to degrade me even after losing me.
You lost me. I did not push you away. Not once.
Your heart is not pure, yet mine still mourns for you.
I was the best you had. I completed you, and you me.
My mind vacillates between hating and longing for you.
Your presence that once infatuated me now only confuses and clouds my judgment.
My heart has been annihilated by you, but you are not affected.
The worst part about losing you is how my heart is now annihilated and I have no one who understands what I am feeling. You were a part of me. You were my person and now I feel so alone. No matter the circumstances, you were always there to talk if I needed you.
I am going back and forth between hating you and missing you. I know I need to obliterate your existence in my mind in order to function normally again..
This is the hardest part of losing someone–trying to not forgive them for all they have done.