I am mad at God.
I am mad at God when it is my own fault.
I am the only one to blame for my anger.
I know these things, yet I am still mad.
Knowingly ignoring signs He sent me due to my ignorant mind believing everything was going to work out as it imagined was simply foolishness. I tend to have a hard time comprehending when enough is actually enough. My tendencies to fight longer than necessary are instilled deep in me causing me to love the wrong things for too long. Every time something was to go wrong, I would pray that I could be able to find the strength and guidance to leave. I did not have it in me to leave on my own. I needed help from God. Being as I am, I would pray countless numbers of times and receive the same answer each time. Leave.
I could never leave. I always tried to make excuses and act as if I was doing myself justice by fighting for the love I wanted. I did not want to leave with the story I had to tell and be placed into a category of hurt, damaged women who have a hard time trusting men. I did not want to leave and feel as if I always had to keep my guard up. I did not want to leave and be asked why I flinch. I was made to feel crazy for being aware of all of these wrongs within the relationship, yet I still did not have the strength to leave. Knowingly involving myself with a counteracting source of energy that tampered with my mind just did not seem to be enough.
At this point I was already categorized as a weak woman who did not have the strength to divert her life from the path it was taking.
I continued to pray and I was even made fun of for my faith. I knew I should leave then, yet I saw that as another project area to stick around and mold. Time after time God gave me the same answer and I was too ignorant to listen. He never left my side, yet for some reason I am taking out my hurt on him. I am taking everything I feel right now and placing it on his shoulders, shaming him for allowing me to feel it. He gave me so many chances to opt out of the pain I am now struggling with–the social categories I now feel as if I fall into.
How can I continue to be mad at someone who has given me everything and stuck by my side no matter the choices I made? I continue to do it. I am angry with myself for sticking around and allowing things to happen to me that have shaped my character in ways I was not ready for. I am mad at the wrong person for what happened.